Pelangi yang tersembunyi

Andai.
Sebuah kata yang secara ironis menyedihkan namun dapat juga menjadi bensin bagi beberapa manusia untuk tetap hidup. Pedang bermata dua.
Terlalu berandai, atau selalu berandai atau berhenti berandai. Mengerikan.

Kehidupan saat ini seperti itu.

Dahulu kala,
Manusia diciptakan untuk merasa, untuk melihat, mendengar, berbicara...
Untuk hidup.

Namun banyak ditemukan, manusia yang tidak mengerti saat ini.
Mereka bergerak namun tidak melihat.
Mereka melihat namun tidak merasa.
Mereka merasa namun tidak berani menyatakan.

Apalah arti hidup jika seperti itu?
Pertanyaan semu yang sulit untuk dijawab.
Apakah jika dia bergerak berarti dia hidup? Apakah jika ia melihat berarti dia hidup? Apakah jika ia merasa berarti dia hidup?
Ahhh,
Andai. Apakah? Andai apakah?


Bila nanti suatu hari, manusia mendapatkan jawabannya, cinta akan terlahir kembali layaknya burung phoenix yang harus terbakar dahulu baru ia dapat hidup kembali? Apakah saat ini seperti itu? Bahwa agar sebuah pembaharuan terjadi harus adanya renovasi perombakan habis habisan?

Agar masalah boleh berakhir,
Agar cinta luber tumpah tak terkira,
Agar mimpi dan andai bersatu bersama harapan,
Agar setiap insan percaya bahwa dibalik awan hitam ada pelangi yang tersembunyi?

Andai.

Breakage turn into a leak to be repaired.

Pus.

A generally viscous yellowish white fluid formed in infected tissue consisting of white blood cells, cellular debris and necrotic tissue.

Thats what the dictionary defines. For me, i would put pus as the form of pain after we, as human produce to keep reminding us that we were hurt.

And after that, there it was what we call scar.

Scar.

A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed.

That was a dictionary definition as well. Well, a dictionary inside my head states that it simply a signature to show we as human gets used to be hurt. Again and again. No matter how many times, thousands or billion times that it would still be called scar.

Only that there would be more.

One day, a friend of mine told me that she woke up one day feeling so depressed, crushed with a question inside her mind, well maybe inside her heart that what it was for her to live up her life up to that moment. Up to this moment.

Having the moment hearing that from her awakened me and reminded me of my memories i have been trying so hard to bury deep inside.

So deep that up to this moment of writing, i still could not find the memory. The memory that created a lot of pus and has left a scar i have hidden so well. I hid that scar with solitudes, trying to find a peace out of being alone, being personal incase i need to discover myself more. Further down. Deeper.

But its difficult. I had a hard time finding it.

It hurts so much just to find the scar from that question. I need to create a lot more scratches and pains just to look for that exact scar just because.

Yes.
Just because there are so may scars covering up one on top of each other that i need to scratch harder.

I didn't know it would be this hard just. Leave alone finding the answer for the question but i need to hold up my breathe and realizing what i have been through. One scar opens up into another pus. A pus would turn into a scar. And there it goes. It will never end.

The melody of life, that you sometimes hear. The bass will take over. And there it comes, the sound of violin so beautifully played that it hurts you to listen thoroughly. And out of sudden, the loud drums will cover up any other melodies, out of tunes so badly it sounds like a wreckage. Boom!!!

Its your turn to stand up and applause or sit like a child not knowing how to react to the whatsoever called new experience.

A breakage turn into a leak,

A new pus.

A leak needed to be repaired.

A new scar.

A new pus, and yet another new scar.

Will still be there...

I see myself in the mirror, smiling
Trying to remember how i looked like
Every morning, before i go to bed
Blocking all pains and negativity

Where's the voices used to tell me to fly
That its possible even if the sun has set
To wake me up telling me the sun has risen
To tell me that roads are laid before me, doors opened for me

I see me on the mirror
I see me trying so hard, so hard that i know I'm worth it one day
I see me...yes one day walking with my smile up
It's broken i know but my heart will still be there
Will still be there.

Scribbles down all....dont make me start.

Fly.

Fly away so high, with no limits measured by any human's minds expanding each and every little bits of dreams and hopes.

It might sounds so cheesy and too determined but for as long as i could think about it, no matter how and why, somehow people will find themselves living with something in their mind as their power to keep living life.

Flight attendant for one.

They live mostly up in the sky. Well they mostly do spend their time up there apart of their day offs. Literally, they fly instead or along with their hopes and dreams.

I, happened to be a flight attendant working for one of the whatever so called one of the best airlines in the world. Partly, i agree but hey... No one really knows or let us say, people has their own standards and opinions.

Working for one year has brought thousands of great senses and thoughts, filling up this tiny piece of tangled long winding slimy cells up in my head. Meeting thousands of other cabin crews in this certain company, working with them not forgetting of when and how and why i serve passengers. From the "high ups" with so-called bad attitude or the "down lows" with i call nice earthy attitude.

Wait...did i miss something there?
Im not trying to point out something or being sarcastic. But, leave alone the people whom the society call the "down lows" but i still think, in my opinion that the "high ups" should know how to behave, as well.

How people can create such image. Some friends told me that the "down lows" behave nicely because they are afraid and feel inferior as well as the opposite. Whereas the "high ups" think they own the fucking world.

A) Am i right or am i right?
B) Am i right or am i wrong?
C) The above options are irrelevant?

Yea! World my ass!!!!


............

Thoughts just ran down from my mind and i couldnt control them. But lets go back to what my first discussion was. How i meet other crews, how i serve the passengers and last, but not least of how i, unwillingly accidentally being a very evaluative ID passenger. Well sometimes, we do catch flight back home with our benefits - got discounted airfares.

Lets go back few phases back.

I write this piece of crap just to point out the feeling after catching flight home and then the phase of getting back on the plane. Let me point out the feeling during getting off the car and acknowledging that you know you are heading to a place where you are going to be alone, apart from beloved and those dreams and hopes you left behind back home. Well, the last point maybe only for some cases, for some crews only. Maybe, only me in the whole company. Wait, i exaggerate too much.

Well.
How to describe?

You get off the car, you say good bye to your family or friends and then you see the car leaving you behind and your heart starting to swell and scream, "Stop!! Take me back with you and dont allow me to fly." , which you knew would never happen. Or at least could not happen for some bloody reasons. The worst feeling is that, you could not do anything about this feeling trying to burst out open. You could only smile and face the gate of terminal 2 CGK.

You drag your luggage, filled with things you try to bring from home, from the important stuff you need up to the things that are nothing but stupid just because you are trying to fill up your room so you feel at home.

Let me correct that.
"So you feel home."

You check in those luggages. You get through the immigration counters and the feeling of "i dont want to go. Can i stay home just mommy?" gets worse and worse.

You know in few hours you will arrive in somewhere, not in your hometown anymore and you know you will be working. You start leading your brain to strengthened up and focusing on the first reason of why you fly. You start listing up reasons just to straightened your tangled heart and minds.

Once you got those lists, you get more relaxed. You feel that you just win the competition. But then, you get stuck in the waiting area just right at the boarding area. Let me tell you. This is where the real hell happen.

Your mind tells you that its not too late that you havent yet board the aircraft. But your heart tells you differently. Your heart has got all the lists of reasons strings attached already. You, yourself contradict yourself. How nice.

This is what you get if you fly too much. Your brain got less oxygen but instead, your heart ( re: lungs ) get too much air.

Nahh...im just messing around.

Well, you keep waiting and waiting up until you know its time and theres no more turning back and time to face up the reality, even if you dont know which is which that is called reality.

You start putting your stuff up in the overhead compartment. You try being a very nice, well behaved ID passengers and not being a pain in the ass who requests or troublesome for the fellow cabin crews.

You start realizing, its not that bad going back to where you are working and then i found myself typing this and get to the end.

Soon enough, i will face the terminal 2 Hong kong and get ready for whatever comes next. Once the aircraft door is closed, all passengers are asked politely to take their seat and watch the safety demo video, my worries are left behind as well and i took my seat, closing my eyes and feel the power turbo jet bringing me fast leaving my hometown behind.

Emotion consists you.

What was God thinking when He created human being? With such small object called brain and deep buried inside object called heart?

Was He thinking about how those objects would expand one day? How these days it is very hard to find someone with such a big heart? To think of it, at least He succeeded of how brains of humans these days have achieved that accomplishment of getting bigger bigger and bigger. Its all about brains.

Sadly, its not about heart.

It is true that the people who have big brains now are more appreciated than having a big heart. They will be bullied and called stupid. Well, those people will certainly think that way, even the people who have big heart could not agree more with this statement. Wait. Its not a statement. Its the fact.

Whatever happen with human being? Where is the hearts nowadays?

Are they covered by the big brains of all the high up people? By the power that cant be obtained by only having big hearts? Or is it because simply the people with big hearts are too traumatized of being bullied that their surviving parts of within have made them hide so well that they become smaller and smaller?

People these days talk about money, position, fame, being known or at least reaching up to the high ups? Even if they pretend to be one?

Its so hard to remember the priceless things in this life. How a hug can create the miracle of a lifetime. A smile is so hard to be put upon one's face that it used to save thousands of life. Sweet talks can soften up any harsh times. Or even a simple glance could create a whole lot different nice ambience in any condition....

Whatever happen to those?

It is not about memories. People call those only memories but emotions are not about memories. The pasts are memories. But emotions are the presents that will be embraced with the upcoming future.

While human beings are still living, those emotions certainly are still within everyone's hearts. Even if the brains are getting bigger and bigger but emotions are there in the hearts.

Its not about memories. Its about hearts.

The big brains people believe that we consist of emotions. Thats why nowadays, the brains control people. They say we control our emotions. But truly, that actually emotions consists us. To think about it...

Wait...

To feel about it,
Emotions consists us because emotions still control us. Which means, no matter how big the brains are, no matter people think how small the heart is,

It still has the biggest impact on human being. The hearts still have the biggest influence.

You don't believe me?

Try to find a memory when you feel welcomed, warmed and embraced when someone smiled at you. Feel the power.

That is why,
Emotion consists you.

Tears from the high above...

There was this boy sitting quietly, trying to listen to the noises made by others. Those people looked so alive and full of determination. He felt like a stranger. He was sitting with his only belonging which was his heart.

By the way, do you know that feeling when you are trying so hard to look for something? You have that urge so heavy that you won't care for other stuff...

He was so quiet to be able to hear even the slightest tiny bit of voice but he could not. Minute by minute passed by and suddenly he could hear a squeal. He was trying so hard to look where it came from.

He looked right. He looked left, behind and across from where i was sitting. He could not find it.

He again closed my eyes to concentrate. But it was very quiet again. Deep silence.

Slowly he controlled my inhalation. So that my own breathe wouldn't disturb my focused mind. But there was no use.

It did not work.


He opened up my eyes, and he heard another squeal. It was louder. And right after that squeal, there was a drop of water on my palm. It was on his right palm. He looked up and there was a loud squeal and another drop of water.

It was not raining for sure. The people around him were talking and some were even laughing. If it was raining they would have moved and found shades to avoid the rain. Well he was just making sure.

He was sure it was not raining.

Another drop dripped on his right palm again. He looked up and he felt the rush of pain inside of him. The light bulb on top of where he was sitting was on. Yes, it was getting darker. The sun has set and went back to where it takes its rest.


Lights were coming on and it was a beautiful sight. It was dimmed in a way that when the day has gone back sleeping, the beauty of might time is alive. He was looking one by one trying to enjoy the view but it got blurry.

His eyes sight was not supporting what he called beauty. Another squeal was heard.

Another drop was on my right palm and then on my left palm.

He was looking but it got blurry. More blurry. And now he could only hear squeals. More and more.

He looked up and the sky was blurry as well.

He thought there must be someone dripping water on purpose at him.

He got distracted.

He tried to ask other people around him but he couldn't find my voice. Literally he could not speak.


He calmed himself. Trying to get a hold of himself. He took a few minutes to get a grip.

He got more panicked.

Now the water dripping could not stop.

He don't know how it happened until now. He could not see clearly. He could not hear a single noise from out there.

He stopped trying to look.

And when he tried to look and he found something that hurts him the most. It was not fear. Was not even a relief.

He found that it was his tears and it was the squeal he tried so hard to hide. He tried so hard to be strong all the way but the truth that the inside of him could not hold it anymore.

The tears from the high above was released so heavily he couldn't hold it anymore.

He could not lie anymore to his only belonging. He could never hidden his feelings to his heart. He thought he could.

In returns, those drops of tears were the price he had to pay.

The tears from the high above were dropped to the lowest of the ground he wasn't sure of standing on.

closing your eyes…

 

does it mean that when I close my eyes, all the troubles will go away? that I will be at eased? people around me say….

 

lets go!!

 

how?

 

I saw the sky, its so blue, brightly shining over all the objects placed on this earth and it seems so utterly great. but why was it so hot that I couldn’t take it anymore? they say that when the sun is shining, it means that the world is evolving. its circling around. moving.

 

I found me, stopping. hiding in the shade so silently. afraid to get burnt. afraid to even take a step out.

 

is it true that they are wearing the sunglasses to hide something that is being said through their eyes? the sight of truth being hidden. the more it is being hidden so hard, the more it is obvious that there is something. teach me to hide it while walking under the sunshine. lend me some.

 

I don’t know what im thinking right now. Im writing this piece out not knowing whats the purpose. but does every little thing in this world has got to have a purpose? I guess so.

 

they say, the will of living certainly comes from the greater power inside each of us, not only about matters of surviving but more to the condition of believing. believing in something, someone greater than us.

 

believing that that there is something we are striving for.

believing that there is someone we are fighting for.

believing that there is a purpose of our existence.

or whatever the reason is.

 

 

purpose?

im closing my eyes now.

im hiding in the shade. too afraid to step out to the sunshine. it is in fact to good to be through, to believe in dreams and big hopes. I prefer staying where I am now. and maybe later, someone, something greater will pull me out and bring me along to the path where im supposed to be. I guess that’s it.

 

my eyes are still closed. tightly.

Cerita bersambung KOKO 5. The end

Selalu, sebelum Koko pulang, ia akan berdoa tepat di tempat ia menemukan roti isi selai stroberi. Ia berdoa agar ia bertemu ibunya kembali.

" Bapa, Koko lapar. Dimanakah ibu? "

Koko menyatakan perasaannya secara tulus kepada Bapa, yang tidak pernah ia lihat. Namun sang ibunda selalu mengatakan bahwa Bapa di atas sana adalah Bapa Koko yang paling setia. Ia akan selalu menjawab pertanyaan dirinya, apapun itu.

Kapanpun. Pasti akan dijawabNya.

---

Persimpangan jalan yang cukup ramai menjadi tempat pengharapan terakhir bagi Koko. Namun seharian telah ia habiskan dengan pengharapan, dan harapan tersebut seperti tak kunjung tiba.

Ia duduk, memandang setiap orang yang melewatinya tanpa menggubris, bahkan menengokpun tidak. Hanyalah sebuah pohon natal, tepat berseberangan dengan tempat Koko berisitirahat yang menemaninya. Malaikat tersebut tersenyum hanya untuk Koko.

Diingatnya kembali, pohon dedalu yang ia hampiri siang hari tadi. Lima tempat telah Koko hampiri beberapa hari belakangan. Pohon dedalu yang besar dan baik hati terus mengayunkan ranting-rantingnya yang sedang meranggas..

"......Namun semuanya sepi. Oh pohon dedalu favoritku. Apakah kau tahu rasanya melihat dan memandangi tempat yang begitu sepi di musim dingin, di hari terdingin? Rasanya sangat tidak nyaman. Aku merasa dingin. Dan aku yakin, rasa itu bukan karena dinginnya udara. "

Koko dianggap tidak ada. Beberapa kali pejalan kaki melewati Koko tanpa rasa.

Kedinginan. Angin musim dingin menusuk tubuh Koko perlahan. Semakin lama, pohon natal yang tak pernah lepas dari pandangan Koko pun redup.

Adalah seorang anak laki-laki yang terlihat tidak asing di mata Koko. Sekiranya, Koko mengenal wajah anak tersebut. Namun siapakah anak tersebut? Apalah ekspresi wajah anak tersebut?

Sumringah.
Bahagia.
Ada satu perasaan yang sudah tidak dapat dirasakan lagi oleh Koko.

Pengharapan pada wajah anak tersebut tidak lagi ada pada Koko. Pada Koko yang sekarang.

" Pohon dedalu. Maafkan Koko. Koko tidak dapat seperti ana tersebut. Koko lapar.

Hai batu-batu keras kepala. Perosotan dan tempat duduk di taman. Selokan yang mulai mengeras...

Kepada lampu neon dirumah termanisku, kotak kotak koleksiku, rumput-rumput yang diselimuti es embun, pohon pinus dan pohon ceri...terimakasih kalian ada buat Koko.

Dan juga padang rumput liar, Koko akan belajar seperti ibu untuk berputar menikmati dunia, melihat luasnya dunia.

Untuk roti isi selai stroberi, kau aman di sisi sang Bunda, kau tidak akan terbuang di sisiNya.

Hai, malaikat kecil pohon natal, maukah kau nyanyikan sebuah lagu untuk Koko?

Koko lelah. Lapar. Koko mau istirahat. Mau tidur seperti rumput liar coklat yang sedang tertidur lelap...

Bapaku, terimakasih untuk sahabat-sahabat setia Koko. "

Satu tetes air mata membeku di pipi Koko. Ia pun tertidur. Lelap.

---

Adalah seorang anak laki laki berumur sembilan tahun memegang sebuah roti selai stroberi yang masih cukup hangat. Wajahnya sumringah memandangi roti ini,sambil sesekali memperhatikan jalan setapak.

Penuh pengharapan.

Koko terbangun dari tidurnya. Sang ibu membelai rambutnya dengan halus dan memeluknya erat. Ia pernah merasakan pelukan ini dahulu. Koko tidak terkejut sama sekali. Ia bahagia. Ia tahu sedari awal, ia akan bertemu dengan ibunya.

Koko telah memutuskan untuk menunggu sang ibu di persimpangan jalan, ditengah2 di mana persimpangan tempat favorit kelima dari sang ibu.

Persimpangan ini adalah tempat di mana sang ibu merasakan tetesan salju pertama di bola matanya, sembilan tahun lalu. Dan terlihatlah seorang anak bayi laki-laki. Tepat di pinggiran jalan, terbungkus kain lampin. Diterangi lampu hias sebuah pohon natal sebuah toko.

Di sini,

Koko merasakan kembali kehangatan tersebut. Tepat seperti sembilan tahun lalu.

" Koko, terimakasih untuk hadiah roti isi selai stroberi mu. Bunda Maria memberikannya kepada ibu. Ayo. Ibu ada buatmu nak. "

Setetes air mata membasahi pipi Koko. Namun kali ini, Koko merasakan kasih yang tak terperikan. Pengharapannya pada Bapa, yang selalu dipeluk oleh Sang Bunda Ilahi, tak pernah mengecewakan.

Dan Koko pun akhirnya mengenal anak laki-laki yang memegang erat roti isi selai stroberi, yang dipenuhi dengan pengharapan tersebut.

---

SELESAI.

Cerita bersambung KOKO 4

Langit yang berwarna ke-unguan perlahan-lahan berubah menjadi abu-abu.seakan-akan ikut menemani perasaan Koko yang semakin suram. Koko memandang langit tepat di depannya dan merasa gundah.

" hai langit. mengapakah kau menjadi lebih gelap? aku belum memberitahumu perasaanku saat ini. namun sepertinya kau mengerti. apakah kau juga kehilangan ibu awanmu? atau sebuah awan yang kau sayangi?"

Koko diam. menatap. keras.

“Tapi sepertinya engkau masih banyak memiliki teman awan yang menemani di atas sana. Sampai-sampai aku tidak dapat melihat bintang lagi….kau tidak sendirian.

Tidak seperti aku.”

Dan air mata Koko mulai menetes ditemani oleh angina malam musim dingin yang semakin menusuk. Siluet kota Kilmore dengan deretan tiang lampu yang bersinarpun akhirnya tenggelam bersama air mata Koko.

Kelam.
Dan semakin pudar.

Koko berharap sang ibu dating dan menepuk pundaknya kemudian memeluknya erat. Koko berharap setelah ia memeluk sang ibu, ia akan mendorongnya dan mulai menunjukkan bahwa dirinya marah. Ia akan mulai diam seribu bahasa. Namun kemudian koko berharap sang ibu merujuk dirinya dan mulai merayunya dengan manis.menarik tangannya dan menenangkan dirinya.

Tetapi semakin ia menanti, yang ada hanyalah keheningan. Koko sedih sekali dan ia memutuskan untuk duduk di pinggiran jalan, didepan sebuah took yang tiba-tiba menyala begitu terang.

Koko mengerjapkan kedua matanya beberapa kali. Sebuah pohon natal plastic dihiasi berbagai pernak pernik menjadi pusat terang di jalanan sepi tersebut. Hati Koko mulai merasa lebih ringan. Ia merasakan terangnya pohon memberikan sebuah perasaan tenang, walaupun sedikit.

“ Ah Tuhanku, terimakasih karena memberikan Koko cahaya. Hai malaikat kecil, engkau juga berada sendirian di atas pucuk pohon itu. Namun kau tersenyum. Maukah kau mengajariku tersenyum?”

Koko menatap pohon natal yang menerangi tempatnya duduk. Koko yakin ini adalah sebuah tanda yang sangat baik bagi dirinya dan sang ibu.

Koko memutuskan untuk kembali lagi esok hari ke took tersebut, dengan tekad baru bahwa ia akan menunggu sang ibu di depan toko.

---

Koko memulai harinya dengan sebuah senyuman kembali. Walaupun di dalam lubuk hatinya yang paling dalam, Koko merasa sangat kesepian.

Kali ini, Koko mengambil serta kotak koleksi terbaiknya yang berisi roti selai isi stroberi yang sudah mengeras, sekeras batu akibat dinginnya suhu udara.

Koko mulai berjalan melawan salju es yang telah menebal malam hari sebelumnya. Ia harus mengangkat kakinya dengan usaha cukup keras karena kedua kakinya selalu tenggelam setiap kali ia memijak. Namun Koko bersyukur.

“Hai salju-salju yang begitu putih. Apa kabar? Akhirnya kita benar-benar bertemu kembali.” Koko tersenyum dan mulai tertawa. Tergelak.

Koko tertawa begitu lepas karena ia merasa tidak ada yang bias menghalanginya lagi untuk bertemu sang ibu. Salju yang begitu putih telah menutupi kota Kilmore sehingga seakan-akan kota itu tidak memiliki ujung. Koko bahagia.

Ia berjalan dengan hati yang ringan dan akhirnya ia sampai pada tempat ke empat di mana sang ibu selalu kunjungi.

---

Sebuah bangunan gereja tua dengan konsep arsitektur gothic, menandakan tuanya umur gereja tersebut.

St. Petrus adalah nama gereja tersebut. “ aku tidak akan berlaku seperti rasul Petrus yang harus melihat baru percaya. Aku percaya ibu ada di sebuah tempat. Akan kembali menemuiku. Dan aku akan menemukannya. “

Koko yang rajin mengikuti sekolah minggu tentu tahu kisah rasul Petrus yang terkenal itu.

Hawa hangat menyentuh permukaan wajah Koko tepat sewaktu pintu kayu besar dibuka kedua tangan kecilnya. Lilin-lilin merdu dengan keheningannya yang begitu sacral memberikan rasa tenang pada Koko.

Ia mulai mencari. Memang, sang ibu biasa duduk dekat sebuah replica sang Perawan suci, bunda Kristus.

Maria.

“Bunda Maria, Koko merindukan ibu. Engkau adalah seorang ibu juga. Maukah engkau memberitahu ibu untuk pulang? Ia selalu berkata bahwa Engkau adalah teman terbaiknya, entah senang atau sedih. Namun sekarang ibu tidak ada…..”

Koko diam. Termenung.

dan mulai menangis. Ia tersedu dalam keheningan tangisnya.

Namun beberapa hari tanpa makanan cukupm perut Koko berbunyi, protes. Ia lapar. Koko lapar.

“Bunda aku lapar……tapi aku tidak bisa makan karena ibu tidak di sini.”

Air mata koko kembali menetes. Ia tidak mengerti perasaannya saat ini namun ia merasa sesak, ia berusaha berteriak, memanggil sang ibu namun hanya air mata yang semakin lama semakin deras.

Ia lari. Keluar.

“Bunda. Koko pergi mencari lagi. Tolong Koko. “

Kotak berisi roti selai isi stroberi tertinggal, tepat di hadapan bunda Maria, sebagai persembahan paling murni hari tersebut.

-bersambung-

Cerita bersambung KOKO 3

Pohon dedalu menjawab Koko dengan sebuah hempasan ranting, di sebelah kanan Koko. “Hai pohon, apakah itu jawaban ya atau tidak? Apakah normal buat seorang anak seumur aku merasakan semua ini?”

Koko mulai menuruni jalan yang sedikit curam. Kemudian ia berbelok. Ada sebuah pohon ceri yang memiliki tinggi seperti orang dewasa. Sang ibu memang selalu duduk di bawah pohon ini setiap siang hari menjelang. Pohon ceri berada berseberangan dengan sebuah mini market tempat di mana sang ibu dahulu bekerja, namun dipecat karena pengelola memutuskan untuk menggunakan tenaga anak muda.

“Ibu, kemanakah engkau? Aku perlu engkau. Ibu tahu tidak, selama tiga hari ini, aku hanya dapat membayangkan wajahmu. Suaramu. Aku rindu.” Tanpa sadar, Koko mulai berjalan kembali kepada pohon dedalu, sahabat terbaiknya. Koko merasa sangat sedih. Ia merasa sendirian.

Angin dingin menusuk tulang Koko namun ia terus berjalan. Namun, dengan anehnya sewaktu ia sampai, pohon dedalu seakan-akan mendekap Koko erat sehingga tidak ada satu hembusan angin dingin sedikitpun yang membuatnya merasa dingin. Koko duduk termenung. Ia begitu merindukan sang ibu. Air matapun perlahan-lahan jatuh dan membasahi wajah Koko. “Pohon dedalu…aku tidak peduli. Aku sangat rindu. Aku akan menangis sejadi-jadinya karena aku tidak kuat lagi.”

Koko menangis tersedu-sedu. Ia tidak peduli dengan sekelilingnya. Pada akhirnya, jiwa seorang anak kecil berumur sembilan tahun, yang telah berusaha menjadi kuat dan berjuang tanpa gentar mengambil alih.

“Ibu!! Ibu jahat!! Aku rindu ibu! Aku telah siap dengan roti isi selai stroberi keberuntungan! Aku menyiapkan segalanya, di hari ulang tahunku. Apakah ibu tidak mau memberikan ucapan selamat? Aku perlu doamu. Aku perlu engkau ada bersamaku….aku berjanji, aku tidak akan meminta hadiah…”

Raungan kencang dengan isakan tangis memecah musim dingin kota Kilmore.

Sementara Koko terlelap dalam kerinduannya, pencarian data yang telah dilakukan oleh polisi setempat tidak memberikan hasil yang memuaskan. Polisi tidak dapat menemukan anggota keluarga sang ibu. Sampai saat ini, tubuh sang ibu masih terbujur kaku di dalam kotak pendingin. Oleh karena itu, telah diputuskan oleh polisi setempat bahwa jika dalam dua hari tidak ada kemajuan, kasus ini akan ditutup.

Koko yang tiba-tiba saja terbangun langsung menghapus air matanya. “Aku tidak boleh sedih lagi. Ibu pasti akan marah bila ia melihatku menangis seperti ini. Hai pohon dedalu, aku minta maaf karena aku juga telah membuatmu sedih. Terimakasih.”

Koko memutuskan untuk kembali mencari sang ibu. Bukit di belakang sebuah sekolah local adalah tempat di mana sang ibu akan selalu pergi sewaktu kesedihan melanda dirinya. Koko pernah membuat sebuah pondok kecil untuk sang ibu karena memang, Koko pun menyukai bukit ini. Koko yakin kali ini ia akan menemukan sang ibu. Ia berlari.

“Ibu! Ibu! Koko sedang menuju ke tempat ketiga! Dan aku yakin kali ini, ibu ada di sana!! Ibu tunggu Koko ya!!!”

Tiupan angin musim dingin yang sejuk terasa di antara pohon-pohon pinus yang tinggi dan lebat. Area di belakang sekolah lokal memang tidak memiliki salju pada musim dingin sehingga daun daun pinus masih dapat bertumbuh. Tumpukan daun-daun yang rontok pun terasa empuk terinjak oleh Koko.

“Ibu…aku akan memeluk ibu sekencang-kencangnya sewaktu aku bertemu engkau. Aku tidak akan melepaskanmu sampai aku puas.” Koko tersenyum membayangkan hangatnya dekapan sang ibu. Namun, setelah Koko berlari berputar mencari, sang ibu tidak kunjung ditemukan.

Koko panik.

“Oh angin-angin…bisakah kau sampaikan pesanku kepada ibu? Katakana pada ibu bahwa aku menunggunya di sini. Aku merindukannya.” Koko berhenti sejenak.

“Aku sayang ibuuuuu!!!!” Koko berteriak sekuat tenaga berharap gema suaranya dapat didengar oleh sang ibu. Koko sudah terlalu yakin bahwa ia akan bertemu kembali dengan sang ibu di tempat ini. Namun, harapan ini pupus. Koko kecewa. Namun ia berjanji bahwa ia tidak akan menyerah.

“Hai pohon-pohon yang menjulang tinggi. Aku tahu kalian dapat melihat ibu dari atas sana. Tolong beritahukan di mana ibu saat ini hai pohon-pohon yang baik hati….” Koko memandang langit-langit melalui sela-sela pepohonan, yang semakin lama memudar oleh air matanya.

Koko berjalan lunglai. Ia memutuskan untuk kembali ke gubuknya karena matahari dengan cepatnya bersembunyi, walaupun waktu hanya menunjukkan pukul empat sore. Musim dingin.

Koko kembali melewati jalan di mana ia menemukan roti isi selai stroberi. “Aku tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan malam hari ini. Aku akan berdoa. Aku harus menguji imanku sendiri. Ibu pernah berkata bahwa aku harus belajar mengerti dan mempercayai kuasa dari sebuah doa….” Koko berjalan sambil mengulang kata-kata ini.

Sesampainya ia di papan penutup gubuknya, Koko pun menyelesaikan kalimatnya dengan sebuah keyakinan. “Dan aku yakin, ibu akan kembali.”

-bersambung-

Cerita bersambung KOKO 2

"Kepada seluruh penduduk Victoria, khususnya bagian selatan dan tengah, di sarankan untuk tidak keluar rumah hari ini dan esok hari. Suhu pagi ini mencapai minus dua belas derajat. Dan pagi ini di laporkan menjadi pagi dengan suhu terendah selama lima tahun terakhir.”

Koko terbangun oleh suara radio yang sejak malam hari telah menemaninya. Koko berharap ia mendapatkan kabar apapun tentang ibunya. Yang ia tahu, orang dewasa selalu menyalakan radio bila ingin mengetahui kabar berita apapun. Namun, kali ini Koko merasa mendengarkan radio adalah hal yang cukup menyia-nyiakan waktu.

“Ibu. Aku sudah bangun.” Tidak ada jawaban.

“Ibu. Aku sudah bangun.” Tidak ada jawaban.

“Ibu. Aku sudah bangun.” Tidak ada jawaban.

Dingin. Keras dan warna kecoklatan pun telah berubah menjadi keabu-abuan. Roti isi selai stroberi seakan-akan memberi jawaban kepada Koko. Jawaban keheningan. Jawaban yang kaku. Tak bernyawa.

“Hai roti yang begitu manisnya. Begitu malang nasibmu. Engkau dikecewakan dua kali….engkau dibuang untuk pertama kalinya dan jikalau engkau memang memiliki hati, pasti hatimu sakit sekali…huh…” Koko mendesah penuh sesal.

“Namun, kemudian aku terpilih untuk memungutmu. Engkau memiliki sebuah harapan kembali. Tapi aku bersalah penuh terhadap engkau. Engkau yang berharap kepadaku, kubiarkan kedinginan. Engkau tidak tersentuh. Dua kali engkau ditelantarkan. Hai roti isi selai stroberi. Aku minta maaf. Apa yang harus aku lakukan untuk menghiburmu?” Koko kembali termenung.

“Aku tidak dapat membuangmu. Aku tidak akan. Apalagi, kau pernah merasakan dibuang sebelumnya. Aku tidak dapat dan aku tidak akan membuangmu. Aku tahu betul rasanya dibuang dan ditelantarkan.”

Koko pun mengambil sebuah kotak. Kotak sepatu ber-merk yang pernah ia temukan di tempat pembuangan sampah. “Hai roti. Ini adalah salah satu koleksi berhargaku. Aku akan menyimpanmu di dalam kotak ini. Namun engkau bukanlah sebuah koleksi. Engkau lebih dari itu. Engkau adalah sebuah berkat. Selamat beristirahat. Nanti, setelah ibu pulang, setidaknya ia akan dapat melihat bagaimana wujudmu yang manis. Percayalah padaku. Ia pasti akan melihatmu.”

Sunyi.

Senyap.

Anginpun tidak mau bertiup di pagi terdingin ini, seakan-akan mereka dapat membeku sehingga tidak dapat bertiup lagi. Namun Koko tetap melangkah keluar dan merasakan bagaimana cuaca begitu menusuk. Rerumputan yang terhampar di sebelah kiri gubuk Koko terlihat mengkilap. Embun-embun yang menyelimuti rerumputan telah membeku sejak malam hari dan membentuk lapisan tipis es.

“Oh rumput-rumput nan hijau namun terlihat putih. Apakah kalian kedinginan? Atau justru kalian merasa hangat karena telah diselimuti oleh es embun?” Koko tersenyum geli mendengar tanggapannya sendiri.

Sudah cukup, Koko berpikir. “Aku harus mulai berjalan mencari ibu.” Koko masih berharap bahwa ia tidak perlu mencari sang ibu. Perasaannya sungguh tidak enak.

“Selamat pagi Bapa. Sungguh. Koko tidak tahu harus kemana. Tetapi ibu selalu menyuruhku mengajak Engkau berbicara sewaktu aku merasa bingung dan merasa sendiri. Apakah Bapa tahu bahwa Koko sekarang merasa bingung dan merasa sendiri?”

Jalan setapak yang Koko lewati basah oleh embun yang mulai mencair. Jari jari kaki Koko pun mulai terasa kebas dengan tembusnya embun melalui sobekan sobekan kecil pada mulut sepatu usang miliknya. Namun Koko tetap merasa beruntung. Ia berpikir bahwa tidak semua orang dapat merasakan rasanya jari kaki yang kebas akibat embun yang mencair, apalagi karena lubang pada sepatu usang. Koko tersenyum lirih.

Dengan senyum lirih, Koko terus berusaha untuk menghibur diri walaupun hal ini membutuhkan tenaga lebih. Koko berjuang keras menghibur dirinya. Dengan bertambahnya langkah kaki, rasa khawatir dan takut justru semakin mengungkung Koko.

“Mungkin ini yang dirasakan oleh orang dewasa sewaktu mereka menyatakan bahwa kaki mereka terasa sangat berat. Aku tidak pernah mengerti bagaimana kaki manusia dapat tiba-tiba bertambah berat. Oh pohon dedalu favoritku…aku sekarang mengerti. Aku sedang merasakannya.”

Koko menyapa pohon dedalu yang selalu menjadi tempat berteduh favoritnya. Pohon dedalu ini merupakan sahabat terbaik Koko yang selalu siap mendengarkan dan menjawab dengan ketenangan khas melalui semilir gerak dedaunan dan rantingnya.

“Pohon dedalu yang besar dan baik hati. Apakah engkau ada melihat ibu? Aku telah mencarinya namun aku tidak dapat menemukannya. Aku telah mencarinya ke lima tempat yang sering ibu kunjungi. Namun semuanya sepi. Apakah kau tahu rasanya melihat dan memandangi tempat yang begitu sepi di musim dingin, di hari terdingin? Rasanya sangat tidak nyaman. Aku merasa dingin. Dan aku yakin, rasa itu bukan karena dinginnya udara.”

Koko memang telah mencari sang ibu ke lima tempat favorit sang ibu. Ia berjalan melewati padang rumput yang terlihat mati namun sebenarnya mereka hanya tidur untuk sementara. Selama musim dingin berlangsung. Warna mereka coklat tua usang. Ia berjalan mengitari padang, melewati sebuah perumahan elit dengan rumah-rumah besar milik pengusaha-pengusaha sukses. Koko selalu benci melewati padang ini. Ia selalu merasa bahwa ia berada di dua dunia berbeda, dengan batas area yang memang tidak terlihat. Satu dunia dengan segala keapikan dan kerapihan tatanan perumahan elit sedangkan dengan hanya satu langkah melewati pagar kayu dan kawat saja, Koko telah dapat pindah ke dunia berbeda yang tak terawat, usang dan terasing namun alami.

Padang rumput ini memang sangat membuat Koko merasa tidak nyaman. Namun sang ibu berpikir lain. Ibu selalu menyukai padang ini. “Engkau dapat membentangkan kedua tanganmu dan berputar di tempat. Seperti Maria di film ‘The Sound of Music’ berputar sambil menyanyi, memandangi langit luas nan megah. Engkau selalu dapat menikmati indahnya dunia ini. Dan bersyukur kepada Bapa.”

Itulah alasan sang ibu yang berusaha dimengerti oleh Koko. Bahkan ia pernah sekali mencoba berputar namun dunia berputar meninggalkannya. Koko telah berusaha keras untuk berdiri mematung ditempat yang sama namun usahanya sia-sia. Koko tidak dapat menahannya dan akhirnya terjatuh. Sejak hari itu, ia berjanji tidak akan berputar di tempat dan merasa bahwa ibunya memiliki ide buruk demi menikmati indahnya dunia ini. Masih banyak hal dan kegiatan yang dapat dilakukan untuk menikmati dunia ini. Salah satunya adalah duduk di bawah pohon dedalu dan memperhatikan bagaimana setiap daun bergerak secara anggun.

Tempat pertama sepi. Sang ibu tidak ada. Koko menatap lekat padang rumput ini sebelum meninggalkannya. Untuk pertama kali dalam hidupnya, Koko merasa ditinggalkan.

“Rumput-rumput liar. Aku tahu kalian belum mati. Kalian hanya tidur. Oleh karena itu, tolong dengarkan. Jikalau kalian bertemu ibu, tolong beritahukan bahwa aku menunggunya. Katakan padanya, aku sangat merindukannya. Ibu adalah seorang wanita baik yang memiliki mata yang begitu indah. Matanya berada sangat dalam. Saking dalamnya, terkadang aku merasa tenang bila ditatap ibu. Ibu juga memiliki warna rambut yang begitu indah. Seindah tanah di bumi yang penuh dengan berkat ini.” Koko memandang langit, mengirim doanya kepada Bapa.

Rumput di sekitar Koko bergerak, tertiup angin.

“Oh rumput-rumput liar coklat…aku merasa ditinggalkan. Namun aku tidak tahu mengapa aku merasa seperti ini. Aku telah sendirian sejak kemarin. Jadi sebenarnya, tidak sepantasnya aku merasa ditinggalkan. Tetapi, aku tetap merasa ditinggalkan. Dan perasaan ini tidak dapat hilang. Perasaan ini sangat berat dan mendalam.”

Koko menunduk sedih. Ia mulai berjalan meninggalkan padang rumput. Namun setelah beberapa langkah, Koko berhenti dan menoleh ke belakang.

“Hai rumput-rumput liar….apakah perasaan ini wajar untuk anak berumur sembilan tahun?”

-bersambung-

cerita bersambung KOKO

Adalah seorang anak laki-laki berumur Sembilan tahun menggengam sebuah roti isi selai stroberi yang masih cukup hangat. Wajahnya sumringah memandangi roti ini, sambil sesekali memperhatikan jalan setapak. Roti selai ini telah somplak sedikit pada bagian ujungnya.

“Tak mengapa kan, hai daun-daun kering?” Tanya Koko yang seringkali menyantap makanan sisa yang terlihat lebih tidak pantas kepada daun-daun kering di sekelilingnya.

Koko berjalan menyusuri jalan setapak di bawah pohon dedalu raksasa, sambil memeluk roti selai ini. Pohon dedalu yang menjadi tempat favorit Koko sewaktu musim panas dan semi. Pada musim semi, biji-biji pohon ini akan menghiasi jalanan dan area tempat Koko duduk sehingga jalanan rata akan terlihat lebih bertektstur. Sedankan pada musim panas, lebatnya dedaunan akan menunjukkan hembusan angina-angin yang sulit terasa pada permukaan kulit Koko. Namun, Koko selalu merasa sejuk dengan goyangnya daun-daun yang begitu elegan.

Senyum Koko tiba-tiba mengembang.

“Daripada aku memakan roti ini, lebih baik aku memberikannya kepada ibu di rumah. Ibu pasti senang, walaupun memang roti ini bekas orang lain.” Koko tersenyum sepanjang jalan membayangkan senyum ibunya yang pasti merekah. Ia menganggap ranting pohonpun setuju dengan menganggukkan ujung-ujung ranting mereka.

Angin bertiup melawan arah berjalannya Koko. Butir-butir salju mulai turun membasahi wajah dan kepala Koko yang tidak berbalutkan topi hangat. “Tidak apa-apa. Perosotan dan tempat duduk di taman ini saja tidak pernah protes kedinginan.” Hiburnya sendiri.

Roti isi selai stoberi terus didekapnya dengan erat, berharap bahwa roti akan tetap hangat sesampainya di rumah.

“Tuhan, terimakasih atas roti ini sehingga aku dapat memberikan sebuah berkat anugrah kepada ibu. Berkatilah orang yang telah membuang roti ini.” Ucap Koko dengan polosnya.

Sementara Koko terus berjalan menyusuri jalan setapak, tepat di seberang jalan sedang berjalan seorang wanita paruh baya dengan tertatih. Rambut yang masih hitam kelam tidak tertata sama sekali mencerminkan bahwa wanita ini jarang sekali mengurus penampilannya. Secara sederhana sekali, ia mengalungkan syal rajutannya sendiri di sekeliling lehernya. Syal coklat kumal tanpa motif, yang telah sobek pada bagian tengahnya seakan-akan mencerminkan perasaan dari wanita yang tertatih ini.

“Hari ini adalah hari ulang tahun anak tercintaku. Namun aku tidak dapat memberikan apapun. Aku wanita tua ceroboh yang begitu menyedihkan. Delapan puluh sen adalah uang terakhirku dan aku menyia-nyiakannya.” Keluhnya.

Wanita syal coklat ini secara tidak sengaja terpeleset di sebuah kubangan salju cair dan menjatuhkan roti isi selai stroberi yang baru saja ia beli sebagai hadiah untuk anaknya. Roti isi ini dengan mudahnya jatuh dan menggelinding.

“Ya Tuhan!! Apa yang telah aku perbuat!! Roti ini sudah tidak pantas lagi sebagai sebuah hadiah ulang tahun…..” dengan sedihnya, wanita syal coklat ini berjalan namun ia tak ingin pulang. Ia sedih dan malu. “ Apa yang harus aku lakukan? Apa yang harus aku berikan?”

Ia berjalan berharap sebuah mujijat terjadi.

Koko terus berjalan menikmati angin dingin yang menusuk. Namun kehangatan roti yang telah sirna, seakan-akan terus menyihirnya menjadi lebih hangat. Selokan kecil yang berada di samping jalan setapakpun semakin deras dengan air salju yang mencair.

“Ia akan terus membaringkan aku di padang rumput hijau. Ia akan membimbingku ke air yang tenang dan aku akan segar! Aku yakin itu, hai para batu kali yang keras kepala. Apakah kalian percaya itu?” Koko memastikan hal ini.

“Huh! Aku tidak peduli jika kalian tidak percaya. Lihat saja nanti! Bahkan kalian batu-batu keras kepala di letakkan olehNya di tempat yang begitu indah. Andai kalian memiliki mata.” Bantah Koko dengan senyum bangga.

Air mata mulai membasahi pipi wanita syal coklat di seberang jalan yang mulai menanjak. Butir butir salju memudar dalam pandangannya. Namun ada suatu benda kecil yang mengkilap dekat trotoar, beberapa meter di depan kakinya. Benda ini menarik perhatiannya dan ia berharap bahwa benda ini adalah benda yang ada di dalam pikirannya.

“Lima puluh sen!!!! Wah! Beruntungnya diriku!” seru wanita ini kegirangan. Namun sorakan kegembiraan ii termakan oleh deru mesih truk yang terdengar sangat kencang.

Wanita syal coklat ini mendongak.

“Ibu! Aku pulang. Aku mempunyai hadiah untuk ibu. Sebuah kejutan berkat khusus untuk hari ini.”

Koko berseru sambil menggeser papan kawat sebagai pintu dari gubuk mereka dekat pembuangan sampah. Namun tidak ada jawaban.

Koko tersenyum kembali memikirkan cara untuk menata roti isi selai stroberi ini sebagai sebuah kejutan yang pertama dilihat oleh sang ibu, pertama kali masuk ke dalam rumah.

Koko duduk tepat di samping roti isi selai stroberi, yang ditata di atas sebuah sobekan kardus laptop seseorang. Koko menunggu dengan sabar, dengan senyuman di wajahnya. “Daun-daun kering, batu-batu kali keras kepala tolong sampaikan kepada ibuku di manapun ia berada untuk pulang. Aku menantinya dengan perasaan gembira yang sebentar lagi tidak dapat kubendung.” Pinta Koko dengan senyum yang sangat lebar.

Ia begitu ingin hari ini menjadi hari yang sangat berharga. Di hari ulang tahunnya, Koko ingin memberikan sebuah ucapan terimakasih kepada ibu tercinta.

Suara deruman mesin truk tak terkalahkan oleh teriakan seorang wanita paruh baya yang terkejut ketakutan. Sang pengemudi kehilangan kendali karena licinnya jalanan yang sedang dihujani salju. Wanita paruh baya yang masih menggengam uang logam lima puluh sen hanya dapat membayangkan wajah anaknya, Koko yang berulang tahun. Ia sedih karena ia tahu waktunya telah datang.

“Bapa terimakasih karena Engkau memberikan harta hidup yang paling berharga, Koko. Biarkan ia bertumbuh besar menjadi malaikatMu, yang siap dipakai untuk mengangkat banyak jiwa menuju surgaMu. Naungi ia dengan kasih kehangatanMu disaat ia merasa sendirian. Terimakasih Bapa.”

Dengan kata terakhir ini, wanita paruh baya inipun lega. Uang logam lima puluh sen tetap digenggamnya dengan kuat berharap dapat dikirimkannya uang ini kepada anak tercintanya, Koko.

Malampun hadir dengan cepat karena musim dingin yang masih melanda kota Kilmore, bagian selatan Victoria, Australia. Namun, angin manapun tidak terasa seakan-akan memberi tanda sesuatu yang tidak beres telah terjadi. Koko duduk diam termenung memikirkan sang ibu. Tempat pembuangan sampah, sudut tempat tinggal Koko bersama ibunya memang selalu sepi bila telah melewati waktu senja. Namun, di tepi jalanan raya, lima gang jauhnya, tim pemadam kebakaran, polisi dan tim medis sedang sibuk berupaya mengamankan jalanan.

Seorang wanita paruh baya telah meninggal dunia tertabrak truk yang berada dalam posisi terbalik.

“Tuhanku. Roti ini telah mengeras. Dingin. Namun ibuku belum juga sampai. Maafkan aku yang tidak dapat mempersembahkan apapun kepadanya. Aku sedih. Seandainya saja aku terus memeluk roti ini agar hangat………….” Koko lama termenung.

“Hai bohlam lampu. Apakah kau melihat ibu? Tidak biasanya ia pulang selarut ini. Udarapun sangat dingin. Bisakah engkau melihat melalui gelapnya malam untuk mencarinya?”

-bersambung-

When things are not at ease....

I know now how it feels to be depressed. And what depression really is....

Some people say I'm too dramatized. Some people say I'm not grateful enough. But let me tell you one thing I'm certain of. You are the one who really knows what happiness to you accordingly.

How a smile is totally different from a grin you put on your expressionless face.

You put on a happy song to cheer you up, and what you feel after the song is finished is that you feel another goodbye. At least to the song.

You put on a sad song to swim in deeper into your whatever so called depression, and what you feel after the song is finished is that you feel resentment towards your pitiful being.

The journey of an emotion roller coaster takes half of your energy, evaporated, leaving alone knowing where it went, how it went and why it went away. Trying so hard to be in disguise while the world walks so fast, knowing where it is heading, while you, stop right there. So afraid of going back, where you thought you belong. And so fearful of heading forwards, not knowing where it is leading you and knowing only one thing that you don't know anything.

The laughter you had for few seconds will be washed away by the fake artificial smiles you put on afterwards. While the tears that run down on your cheek will no longer useful, as the dreams and hopes inside you was stained through all the way by the fear.

In the end...
What you feel is only nothing other than pain in your chest, ready to burst out eventually, don't know when and how it will burst.

Melody changes in your life. When it goes down, you feel you are stumped and repressed so heavily whereas when the melodies go up, you feel the piercing pain slicing through your senses, slowly bleeding, from a red thick blooded liquid into something plain, bare and pale drips.

You try to open up your eyes but it hurts so much, shining too brightly that you couldn't see anything, that your sight couldn't take any longer. Somehow, you try to close you eyes but you already know too well how the darkness surrounds you....

Worse, when you experienced how it was shining too brightly, there seem to be darkness still. The sun seems to even push you, force you to embrace the darkness.

Foolish mind of mine giving me pain, aching feeling that has never happened to me before.

It ends right there. When the melodies of life stops. And there's nothing other than silence. Piercing quiet fearful silence that eats your security to become something insecured, so clearly hurting.

You try to hold yourself but even the empty transparent glass you are holding is broken already as you shook while holding it. The glass that was filled with water even seems to be so heavy, you never know how to take anymore burden or weight in this short scary life.

You try to run away from it but you have no power left behind. You try to sleep away the sins of being so depressed, but even the dreams you have during sleeping is creeping you out, you are so afraid that it feels so real, or even the only sanity you have left, will fade because you are not able to wake up.

Depression.
Yes that is depression.
Or wait... Is this depression? Or its not even close to that extend?

You don't know where you are going. Even when you get somewhere, you know that you don't belong there. You turn right, but it seems everybody is turning left. You do the same, but and then, insecurity eats you up of changing your direction all the time, showing how clueless you are of how you live your life....


Pitying the living, as I am part of it and that pity covers most of the inhalation I have been trying to get to. And what's only left is a sigh.

A deep sigh leading to a silence.
Another silence.
Another day.
Without notice of any hopes or determination.

Mom.

There are many moments captured in my mind right now about being with you mom...

One day, i pushed you to be a happy person but it was me doing the favor for myself so that i didnt feel tired looking at someone so depressed and sad for whatever reason there is that might make you feel so sad. I wasnt doing it for the purpose of you but for the sake of me. I should have asked you of how you were and what we could do to make you a happier person that you are. What i could do to make you feel better. I should be there for whatever reasons you want to do so that you are happy and felt supported even if i thought it wouldn't make you become happy. I should let you to decide for your happiness.

There was another day when i protested you. It was the day i felt that you made me feel crossed yet feeling very angry that you couldn't understand me. But on that day, you felt that you failed as a mother. You blamed yourself for not being better and yet very sad that your son felt that you did something in purpose to hurt your son. I should have asked what was your reason for doing whatever you did so by all meaning that i trusted you that behind all things you do, there is a good great reason because you must have done it for your son.

There was one other day when i asked you to do one simple thing and you might forget or you did it wrong. I am sure that i have experienced this and i blame you and yet, i might even thought for a glimpse in my mind that you are so useless and hopeless. Yet, you kept quiet and put your head down. You were crying inside and felt left alone, under appreciated and yet, you didn't complain. I completely forget that there have been many times when you asked me things, even for my own sake that i delay it or say that its no use. I might even have not give it a try. Not even a try. On that day, I should have thought that you might actually have tried your best and actually put a lot of efforts for what i thought was a simple one. It might have been very hard for you.

One time, i blamed you for whatever reason that the situation around me was not supportive. I only could blame you for not being a good enough guide to let me know beforehand or backing me up. I knew it wasn't your fault but there was no one to blame so you were the closest one. Even though it has got nothing to do with you, that i know it is out of your hand. I selfishly force you to become a very reflexive yet fast in solving any problem so that i can look up to you at least as a decent mother. But i put all those things aside. I forgot that i should be the one thanking that since i was born and up until now, i am safe and sound, healthy and moving because you have been using your hand to pat me to make me asleep, breastfeed me, giving inside and out of yourself to get me growing, and always use your own body as a partition to any winds, rains, heat, coldness so that i am safe. I should actually think that up to this moment, when you have spent your life over how many years you are, you might be feeling so lonely, frustrated and useless that you have lost your touch as a human because of your age. I should have tried to at least understand how you feel.

Whenever i felt angry and frustrated, i could only whine and blame and cry, ignoring the world around me even ignoring you. I selfishly forget that by behaving like that, by feeling hurt and sad and frustrated, i actually am hurting you. You are hurt when i am hurt. You are sad when i am sad. You pray that you would be the one who is sick instead of me. I completely put aside your feeling and let my own feelings to be on the top, not giving any chances for you to step inside and being taken care.

Yet, after all those things and behavior i might have done, you still go around and say to others, "thats my son over there. He is very helpful, caring, responsible and sensitively loving towards me as his mother." you are always proud of me for whatever reason there is that you are so proud of having me, being a mother over a son who always hurt you.

The word mother is not just a word. Its a shield, its a house, a rock, a foundation, a comfort, a love. For whatever i am for i am right now, you still call yourself and confess to the world that you are my mother as you are so proud of having me, that there will be no other son could replace me for you.

For every breath you take, you whisper out my name.

For every tears you shed, you wipe it so that i would always feel safe that you always look strong.

For every night you are going to bed alone, you take your time to pray and say my name out loud.

For every smile you put on your face when you look at me, you show the world that you are proud of having me, for i am your biggest achievement.

For every patting you do on my head, you always say inside your heart that you would always be there for me wherever, whenever and forever.

For only what I've done is nothing compared and would never be enough to repay you, i could only say now that you are my mom. You are a mother that no other individual could do. For whatever you would do that a mother could do for her son.

I Thank you mom sincerely deepest from my heart, missing you so.

Dear Lord

This piece of heartbroken letter is meant to be only to You as i couldnt find a way to close my eyes and start praying. The tears just filled up my closed eyes and i gotta open up my eyes and face the reality.

Lord, Ive got nothing else to fight for in this life except i fight for her. She is basically my true inspiration and saviour. The pain she felt when i was sick during my childhood is now in me as well.

Looking at her sleeping soundlessly is a dream come true for some nights. But mostly, as i have encountered that she gets difficulty in sleeping because of the pain.

Can i cry like a child now? Or should i be a man who own his self-control to held up any pain in the heart and not letting anyone see through? I miss the times when i could just be tired when i am tired. Be fed up when i have enough. And be childish when i feel like i need someone to back me up.

But i know i couldnt.

So how Lord? Please let me know. For the one i am fighting for now, i know its worth a life for her. I feel helpless and useless though. Theres nothing i could do to make it better as i dint even know what im facing right now. I cant even be by her side.

Dear Lord,

They all say that you could do a miracle. You are The Miracle. So please do accept this letter and reply it with good miraculous way. I beg for this one.

I guess i have written enough. I give it all to you and sincerely i give my piece of prayer letter only for You.

One more thing, this person ive been talking about is my mother. The most beloved one. Thank You Lord.

FIX YOU….

 

“When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse…..”

 

This song has certainly got stuck in my head for a while now. Trying to find courage through songs is the last thing I need now but there’s nothing I could do more now. Prayers I certainly know the power over me and most people but in the present time, I need someone, something to physically tell me that things happen for a reason and tell me what the reason is.

 

I guess that is a very hard request over someone who is a very small individual compared to millions other individuals in this round square world.

 

Why did I even call this world square?

I guess because right now I feel like where ever I go, I got stuck and find a dead end.

 

Why did I even call this world round?

I guess because right now I feel like where ever I go, I cant find a second to rest. It keeps making me go round and round, never ending journey to whom people call it life.

 

“And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?”

 

And when the time comes, as this next verse I wrote just above was sung, I started to think that the only cure that is there and seemed logic and magnificently useful was tears. People come and go. It sounds so simple but really, surely and truly. Its not that simple.

 

And in this point, what I am trying to point out is about how when you lose someone, you lose something. I mean, some thing. Things around you suddenly collapse and you try to hold it up. But think about it. A piece of paper when it is once crumpled, you might go and try to iron it to make it smooth. But, when it is being re-crumpled, it will never go smooth anymore. Try re-ironing it, it wont make any difference. Even the part of ironing it is making the paper drier and hot.

 

Once a paper is crumpled, it will never be the same smoothness anymore.

How’s that??

 

This is the same with the process of holding up. You try to keep up and not giving up. You try and something come up. You try again. But even when you are still trying to get up, there’s another thing already waiting to press and push you down.

 

Realistic people say, “It wears you down.”

But wise people say, “It will make you stronger.”

 

I guess, at this point now,

I have already decided that I am both. I am both of those kind of people who are realistic enough to accept that being people, being human being welcome the weary part of life which later on will certainly strengthened you up to become thicker and stronger.

 

It doesn’t matter when and doesn’t matter how. It is just that.

“No more questions because life is not about questions. Even when there seem to be questions parts along the life plot, there’s no answer. Because there is really no parts where you can find any questions not answered. “

 

Think about this paradox.

 

“Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth”

Do I know how to LOVE ?

 

There was this one moment of how I remember how my father is a loving caring father. I was a kid. A very young small boy.

 

It was in our front garden and I was playing. My father was just sitting there. I didn’t know what he was doing though. I was walking on this up-leveled ground which was only fitted for a feet, practicing and acting like a performer in a circus performance. I was trying so hard to balance myself, putting my foot in front of my other foot so I could walk straight. But I stumbled and fell. I hurt my knee bone and the skin was peeled off badly. I cried and cried like a baby. Well, I was a boy back then. He ran right up to me and lifted me up and hugged me without saying anything. He put me on the terrace and looked at me in the eye saying that I was a strong boy so it would be alright. I believed him and at that moment, I stopped crying. It was like magic.

 

After a while, out of nowhere I told him that my skin was peeled off really bad and it stung. He blew softly to my knee and he kept doing that up to the moment I got up and went to the spot where I fell. I was trying to look if there was any skin of my knee left there. I didn’t know why I did that. I smiled and feel silly thinking of it now. But anyway, I went there and there was this skin still stuck on the surface. I took it. My father asked me what I was doing. I told him and he smiled. He didn’t say that I was silly or anything. But he came towards me and smacked on the surface saying that it was a bad up-leveled ground.

 

I felt a rush of love from my father. That’s it.

 

Now that I am 25 years old and it has been almost four years since he died, I miss him. I miss the moment when I feel weak and tired and I could just act like a child and let it be. Letting these thoughts and memories taking over me is killing me because I don’t know how and don’t know why I could not really remember other beautiful moment where I have great intimate times with my father. I guess growing up as a teenager and knowing the world had taken most of my times and I forgot how I was supposed to give spaces for my father to occupy my life. Well I guess he was busy as well taking care of the business and company he was building. But I know that he was still there if I needed him. Not the other way around though. I was not there for him. I was even not close to help him with anything. If he asked me to do something, I could do it with a grudge and tried with any excuses to pend the process. I was very selfish. Now to think of it, of why I am writing this piece is because he passed away before I could realize this and do something to make him proud. I guess it was not even close.

 

I just watched this movie and in this movie, there was this father who has passed away. He is missed most by his family and one time, he went and came up to the family and greeted them, hugged them and told them it was alright. I shivered and longed for that impossible moment, as exact as in the movie.

 

But I know it is impossible.

 

I longed for my father’s hand to hold mine and told me it is alright to be the oldest son and takes care of the family. I need him to tell me that even if things went bad, he will still be there for me. I need him to reassure me that it is alright to take a rest if I feel worn out and he would take care of the things that is undone.

 

But I know it is impossible.

 

Losing someone you love is hard. It is very hard indeed. It cant be expressed in any way of the language we know. And it is always hard because you always have this regret in any way that was never thought of before and I guess regret always comes last as it is always with the things that are too late to be done.

 

I am tired. I need to feel safe and secure from someone stronger and has inspired me so much that can overcome what I have been doing now and it is only my father. It is only him that has made me to be this thick and strong. But I guess it is too late isn’t it?

 

There are many other moments that I feel loved from my father. But even after thousands of memories shared with him, I just realize that it is hard for me to love now as I was still in the age of knowing and experiencing love from someone special. I guess I still don’t know how to love now. I need to learn more. But who could teach me how? This is me writing so dramatically, thinking of my father who is in heaven now. I guess he hasn’t got the wing yet to pay me a visit at least once.