Mom.

There are many moments captured in my mind right now about being with you mom...

One day, i pushed you to be a happy person but it was me doing the favor for myself so that i didnt feel tired looking at someone so depressed and sad for whatever reason there is that might make you feel so sad. I wasnt doing it for the purpose of you but for the sake of me. I should have asked you of how you were and what we could do to make you a happier person that you are. What i could do to make you feel better. I should be there for whatever reasons you want to do so that you are happy and felt supported even if i thought it wouldn't make you become happy. I should let you to decide for your happiness.

There was another day when i protested you. It was the day i felt that you made me feel crossed yet feeling very angry that you couldn't understand me. But on that day, you felt that you failed as a mother. You blamed yourself for not being better and yet very sad that your son felt that you did something in purpose to hurt your son. I should have asked what was your reason for doing whatever you did so by all meaning that i trusted you that behind all things you do, there is a good great reason because you must have done it for your son.

There was one other day when i asked you to do one simple thing and you might forget or you did it wrong. I am sure that i have experienced this and i blame you and yet, i might even thought for a glimpse in my mind that you are so useless and hopeless. Yet, you kept quiet and put your head down. You were crying inside and felt left alone, under appreciated and yet, you didn't complain. I completely forget that there have been many times when you asked me things, even for my own sake that i delay it or say that its no use. I might even have not give it a try. Not even a try. On that day, I should have thought that you might actually have tried your best and actually put a lot of efforts for what i thought was a simple one. It might have been very hard for you.

One time, i blamed you for whatever reason that the situation around me was not supportive. I only could blame you for not being a good enough guide to let me know beforehand or backing me up. I knew it wasn't your fault but there was no one to blame so you were the closest one. Even though it has got nothing to do with you, that i know it is out of your hand. I selfishly force you to become a very reflexive yet fast in solving any problem so that i can look up to you at least as a decent mother. But i put all those things aside. I forgot that i should be the one thanking that since i was born and up until now, i am safe and sound, healthy and moving because you have been using your hand to pat me to make me asleep, breastfeed me, giving inside and out of yourself to get me growing, and always use your own body as a partition to any winds, rains, heat, coldness so that i am safe. I should actually think that up to this moment, when you have spent your life over how many years you are, you might be feeling so lonely, frustrated and useless that you have lost your touch as a human because of your age. I should have tried to at least understand how you feel.

Whenever i felt angry and frustrated, i could only whine and blame and cry, ignoring the world around me even ignoring you. I selfishly forget that by behaving like that, by feeling hurt and sad and frustrated, i actually am hurting you. You are hurt when i am hurt. You are sad when i am sad. You pray that you would be the one who is sick instead of me. I completely put aside your feeling and let my own feelings to be on the top, not giving any chances for you to step inside and being taken care.

Yet, after all those things and behavior i might have done, you still go around and say to others, "thats my son over there. He is very helpful, caring, responsible and sensitively loving towards me as his mother." you are always proud of me for whatever reason there is that you are so proud of having me, being a mother over a son who always hurt you.

The word mother is not just a word. Its a shield, its a house, a rock, a foundation, a comfort, a love. For whatever i am for i am right now, you still call yourself and confess to the world that you are my mother as you are so proud of having me, that there will be no other son could replace me for you.

For every breath you take, you whisper out my name.

For every tears you shed, you wipe it so that i would always feel safe that you always look strong.

For every night you are going to bed alone, you take your time to pray and say my name out loud.

For every smile you put on your face when you look at me, you show the world that you are proud of having me, for i am your biggest achievement.

For every patting you do on my head, you always say inside your heart that you would always be there for me wherever, whenever and forever.

For only what I've done is nothing compared and would never be enough to repay you, i could only say now that you are my mom. You are a mother that no other individual could do. For whatever you would do that a mother could do for her son.

I Thank you mom sincerely deepest from my heart, missing you so.