I know now how it feels to be depressed. And what depression really is....
Some people say I'm too dramatized. Some people say I'm not grateful enough. But let me tell you one thing I'm certain of. You are the one who really knows what happiness to you accordingly.
How a smile is totally different from a grin you put on your expressionless face.
You put on a happy song to cheer you up, and what you feel after the song is finished is that you feel another goodbye. At least to the song.
You put on a sad song to swim in deeper into your whatever so called depression, and what you feel after the song is finished is that you feel resentment towards your pitiful being.
The journey of an emotion roller coaster takes half of your energy, evaporated, leaving alone knowing where it went, how it went and why it went away. Trying so hard to be in disguise while the world walks so fast, knowing where it is heading, while you, stop right there. So afraid of going back, where you thought you belong. And so fearful of heading forwards, not knowing where it is leading you and knowing only one thing that you don't know anything.
The laughter you had for few seconds will be washed away by the fake artificial smiles you put on afterwards. While the tears that run down on your cheek will no longer useful, as the dreams and hopes inside you was stained through all the way by the fear.
In the end...
What you feel is only nothing other than pain in your chest, ready to burst out eventually, don't know when and how it will burst.
Melody changes in your life. When it goes down, you feel you are stumped and repressed so heavily whereas when the melodies go up, you feel the piercing pain slicing through your senses, slowly bleeding, from a red thick blooded liquid into something plain, bare and pale drips.
You try to open up your eyes but it hurts so much, shining too brightly that you couldn't see anything, that your sight couldn't take any longer. Somehow, you try to close you eyes but you already know too well how the darkness surrounds you....
Worse, when you experienced how it was shining too brightly, there seem to be darkness still. The sun seems to even push you, force you to embrace the darkness.
Foolish mind of mine giving me pain, aching feeling that has never happened to me before.
It ends right there. When the melodies of life stops. And there's nothing other than silence. Piercing quiet fearful silence that eats your security to become something insecured, so clearly hurting.
You try to hold yourself but even the empty transparent glass you are holding is broken already as you shook while holding it. The glass that was filled with water even seems to be so heavy, you never know how to take anymore burden or weight in this short scary life.
You try to run away from it but you have no power left behind. You try to sleep away the sins of being so depressed, but even the dreams you have during sleeping is creeping you out, you are so afraid that it feels so real, or even the only sanity you have left, will fade because you are not able to wake up.
Depression.
Yes that is depression.
Or wait... Is this depression? Or its not even close to that extend?
You don't know where you are going. Even when you get somewhere, you know that you don't belong there. You turn right, but it seems everybody is turning left. You do the same, but and then, insecurity eats you up of changing your direction all the time, showing how clueless you are of how you live your life....
Pitying the living, as I am part of it and that pity covers most of the inhalation I have been trying to get to. And what's only left is a sigh.
A deep sigh leading to a silence.
Another silence.
Another day.
Without notice of any hopes or determination.
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