There was this one moment of how I remember how my father is a loving caring father. I was a kid. A very young small boy.
It was in our front garden and I was playing. My father was just sitting there. I didn’t know what he was doing though. I was walking on this up-leveled ground which was only fitted for a feet, practicing and acting like a performer in a circus performance. I was trying so hard to balance myself, putting my foot in front of my other foot so I could walk straight. But I stumbled and fell. I hurt my knee bone and the skin was peeled off badly. I cried and cried like a baby. Well, I was a boy back then. He ran right up to me and lifted me up and hugged me without saying anything. He put me on the terrace and looked at me in the eye saying that I was a strong boy so it would be alright. I believed him and at that moment, I stopped crying. It was like magic.
After a while, out of nowhere I told him that my skin was peeled off really bad and it stung. He blew softly to my knee and he kept doing that up to the moment I got up and went to the spot where I fell. I was trying to look if there was any skin of my knee left there. I didn’t know why I did that. I smiled and feel silly thinking of it now. But anyway, I went there and there was this skin still stuck on the surface. I took it. My father asked me what I was doing. I told him and he smiled. He didn’t say that I was silly or anything. But he came towards me and smacked on the surface saying that it was a bad up-leveled ground.
I felt a rush of love from my father. That’s it.
Now that I am 25 years old and it has been almost four years since he died, I miss him. I miss the moment when I feel weak and tired and I could just act like a child and let it be. Letting these thoughts and memories taking over me is killing me because I don’t know how and don’t know why I could not really remember other beautiful moment where I have great intimate times with my father. I guess growing up as a teenager and knowing the world had taken most of my times and I forgot how I was supposed to give spaces for my father to occupy my life. Well I guess he was busy as well taking care of the business and company he was building. But I know that he was still there if I needed him. Not the other way around though. I was not there for him. I was even not close to help him with anything. If he asked me to do something, I could do it with a grudge and tried with any excuses to pend the process. I was very selfish. Now to think of it, of why I am writing this piece is because he passed away before I could realize this and do something to make him proud. I guess it was not even close.
I just watched this movie and in this movie, there was this father who has passed away. He is missed most by his family and one time, he went and came up to the family and greeted them, hugged them and told them it was alright. I shivered and longed for that impossible moment, as exact as in the movie.
But I know it is impossible.
I longed for my father’s hand to hold mine and told me it is alright to be the oldest son and takes care of the family. I need him to tell me that even if things went bad, he will still be there for me. I need him to reassure me that it is alright to take a rest if I feel worn out and he would take care of the things that is undone.
But I know it is impossible.
Losing someone you love is hard. It is very hard indeed. It cant be expressed in any way of the language we know. And it is always hard because you always have this regret in any way that was never thought of before and I guess regret always comes last as it is always with the things that are too late to be done.
I am tired. I need to feel safe and secure from someone stronger and has inspired me so much that can overcome what I have been doing now and it is only my father. It is only him that has made me to be this thick and strong. But I guess it is too late isn’t it?
There are many other moments that I feel loved from my father. But even after thousands of memories shared with him, I just realize that it is hard for me to love now as I was still in the age of knowing and experiencing love from someone special. I guess I still don’t know how to love now. I need to learn more. But who could teach me how? This is me writing so dramatically, thinking of my father who is in heaven now. I guess he hasn’t got the wing yet to pay me a visit at least once.
