a robot.

11th of October 2011

Sitting right inside the bus, getting me home to my sleeping apartment, at the back of the bus, left hand side, leaning sideways on the window, I found my heart beat slowly.

It is my sleeping apartment because its not alive. Maybe not yet.

While looking at the air outside in this very heart of Hongkong. Its misty. Its cloudy. Light rains. It was hot in the morning. Humid in the afternoon. And now its freezing. Wasn't prepared for any cold weather. I wore only a tshirt.

But talking about the weather, it represented my heart very well indeed. Some people were very surprised and happy knowing I have moved. They started saying that I was living my dream. A dream come true. Yes. They are true. I am now dreaming.

Just when am I going to wake up? That's it. End of discussion.

No one can force me to.
No one.
Not even a single thought.

Its getting darker. Mistier. My eyes were looking at some ships while listening to this one song, a soundtrack of one good movie. Its called my little house.

I guess, I was on the right play list. I knew that my house is little. My mother's, brother's and sister's hearts are my little house.

But then, I stopped right there. Right at that thought. I realized my sleeping apartment was getting nearer. Like some kind of signal radar sent from, I felt this great magnetic pulls. I stopped there. I couldn't bear it. Knowing it would be very long later to get me to my little house.

A traffic light made the bus stop. Some of the lyrics struck me hard. Going through my chest.

" I love this place but its haunted without you. My tired heart is beating so slow.......

......To help us grow. To help us grow. It is not sad. I always know."

My heart is thankful. I love this job. This new life. But leaving my past life behind needs this huge extreme courage. Not that I am not ready. I always know I am going to get through.

" Please don't make a fuss. It won't go away......I am here to stay. "

I am not making a fuss. I need time to adjust but I guess a hole is starting to grow bigger and I am afraid. Yes I am afraid of getting this differences. I am looking a growing hole. Getting bigger and bigger....

My heart sinks.
My heart drifts away so smoothly, it leaves me behind. And without that, I am a robot.

Yes. I am a robot with digital eyes. Unstoppable mind. And frozen heart.

I looked at outside again. I saw these two grand huge bridge. Its near that sleeping apartment. Now I am going to put on my smile again. Some people call it fake. But no. They are wrong. Ironically, it has become a part of me now. As I have no other action to do. Not even a drop. Those tears have evaporated long ago.

I hear but I don't listen.
I look but I don't see.
I move but I am paralyzed.
I think but I am brain frozen.

Yes. I am a robot with digital eyes. Unstoppable mind. And frozen heart.

Straight from the heart

I took my bus. I listened to christian songs to get the feeling of the heaven. Reaching to something higher up there. Minute by minute went by and I pressed the red stop button. The brake was hard. I went down from the double decker bus. Straight I went to the church, passing all the servants from Indonesia, sitting right just on the pavements. Covering half of the pavements with their base. They call it tikar in Indonesia, I went to this complex of school, hospital and church.

The mass haven't started but soon to be.

I knelt and the time passed by. There's something special about the mass today. I noticed how heavenly the choir was and the soloist. They were all the servants from Indonesia. More than half of the mass was them. It was ok. No! It’s not ok. But it was awesome. Experiencing a very nice humbly environment there and actually, I was quite touched and amazed of how those servants feel that they are useful. I know how it feels. And I am so very proud of them.

Anyway, I know this was wrong, of how I kept thinking, observing them while the mass was on. But hundreds of them had their own style. I saw one with a very simple sophisticated look. While this other one wore this extreme high heels with fur on top of it and a dress with a long tail. Wow!

It wasn't their fault. The only day off they have is sunday. And that's the time they can show off. I've worked my ass off so now I'm going to enjoy.

ITS MY TIME.

Whatever you think and see, the most important thing is how I feel.

That's the first lesson I got.

The mass went on and I still was amazed of how the choir was great. I can hear some of false here and there but you listen with your heart. Not ears. And that's what's mattered most. I love the mass today. The scriptures were all blessing!!

Many are called to follow Him but few are chosen. That was the highlight of today. When you were invited by Him, are you going to put on your best outfit, proper and well mannered?

I didn't answer. I was stoned with the things I've done lately. There's no way I'm going to be chosen. But then I prayed. I prayed for this obey in mmy heart and mind.

My tears dropped the second I felt for God. Of how I have abandoned His love and blessings. But today was it. I realized everything.

Whereever I am. Whenever I am alive. He is inside me and I am inside Him.

That's the second lesson I learned. And the proof wasn't needed. I know how God has worked in me and He was praised to what I have done in my new community. They were amazed of how I can do what they couldn't really do in fact of controlling their dislike toward somebody. It amazed me actually. But that was one of the examples of what God has worked inside me. And He was the power. Not me...

I knelt and I started praying right after I received the Holy Bread of Life. Praise the Lord. High above. Jesus Lord, is the King of all Kings. Placed upon the highest sky. And miracle happened. I knew that moment I could do whatever I want, for goodness sake. Whatever sacrifice it would take. But once I am on it, it won't be called sacrifice anyway..

Oh how I love Him dearly today....

He work amazingly in His own way and no God is like Him. None.

Today I went home with this high new spirit and that was a great mass. It was a Holy Mass....I am proud being a catholic!!!