Pelangi yang tersembunyi

Andai.
Sebuah kata yang secara ironis menyedihkan namun dapat juga menjadi bensin bagi beberapa manusia untuk tetap hidup. Pedang bermata dua.
Terlalu berandai, atau selalu berandai atau berhenti berandai. Mengerikan.

Kehidupan saat ini seperti itu.

Dahulu kala,
Manusia diciptakan untuk merasa, untuk melihat, mendengar, berbicara...
Untuk hidup.

Namun banyak ditemukan, manusia yang tidak mengerti saat ini.
Mereka bergerak namun tidak melihat.
Mereka melihat namun tidak merasa.
Mereka merasa namun tidak berani menyatakan.

Apalah arti hidup jika seperti itu?
Pertanyaan semu yang sulit untuk dijawab.
Apakah jika dia bergerak berarti dia hidup? Apakah jika ia melihat berarti dia hidup? Apakah jika ia merasa berarti dia hidup?
Ahhh,
Andai. Apakah? Andai apakah?


Bila nanti suatu hari, manusia mendapatkan jawabannya, cinta akan terlahir kembali layaknya burung phoenix yang harus terbakar dahulu baru ia dapat hidup kembali? Apakah saat ini seperti itu? Bahwa agar sebuah pembaharuan terjadi harus adanya renovasi perombakan habis habisan?

Agar masalah boleh berakhir,
Agar cinta luber tumpah tak terkira,
Agar mimpi dan andai bersatu bersama harapan,
Agar setiap insan percaya bahwa dibalik awan hitam ada pelangi yang tersembunyi?

Andai.

Breakage turn into a leak to be repaired.

Pus.

A generally viscous yellowish white fluid formed in infected tissue consisting of white blood cells, cellular debris and necrotic tissue.

Thats what the dictionary defines. For me, i would put pus as the form of pain after we, as human produce to keep reminding us that we were hurt.

And after that, there it was what we call scar.

Scar.

A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed.

That was a dictionary definition as well. Well, a dictionary inside my head states that it simply a signature to show we as human gets used to be hurt. Again and again. No matter how many times, thousands or billion times that it would still be called scar.

Only that there would be more.

One day, a friend of mine told me that she woke up one day feeling so depressed, crushed with a question inside her mind, well maybe inside her heart that what it was for her to live up her life up to that moment. Up to this moment.

Having the moment hearing that from her awakened me and reminded me of my memories i have been trying so hard to bury deep inside.

So deep that up to this moment of writing, i still could not find the memory. The memory that created a lot of pus and has left a scar i have hidden so well. I hid that scar with solitudes, trying to find a peace out of being alone, being personal incase i need to discover myself more. Further down. Deeper.

But its difficult. I had a hard time finding it.

It hurts so much just to find the scar from that question. I need to create a lot more scratches and pains just to look for that exact scar just because.

Yes.
Just because there are so may scars covering up one on top of each other that i need to scratch harder.

I didn't know it would be this hard just. Leave alone finding the answer for the question but i need to hold up my breathe and realizing what i have been through. One scar opens up into another pus. A pus would turn into a scar. And there it goes. It will never end.

The melody of life, that you sometimes hear. The bass will take over. And there it comes, the sound of violin so beautifully played that it hurts you to listen thoroughly. And out of sudden, the loud drums will cover up any other melodies, out of tunes so badly it sounds like a wreckage. Boom!!!

Its your turn to stand up and applause or sit like a child not knowing how to react to the whatsoever called new experience.

A breakage turn into a leak,

A new pus.

A leak needed to be repaired.

A new scar.

A new pus, and yet another new scar.

Will still be there...

I see myself in the mirror, smiling
Trying to remember how i looked like
Every morning, before i go to bed
Blocking all pains and negativity

Where's the voices used to tell me to fly
That its possible even if the sun has set
To wake me up telling me the sun has risen
To tell me that roads are laid before me, doors opened for me

I see me on the mirror
I see me trying so hard, so hard that i know I'm worth it one day
I see me...yes one day walking with my smile up
It's broken i know but my heart will still be there
Will still be there.

Scribbles down all....dont make me start.

Fly.

Fly away so high, with no limits measured by any human's minds expanding each and every little bits of dreams and hopes.

It might sounds so cheesy and too determined but for as long as i could think about it, no matter how and why, somehow people will find themselves living with something in their mind as their power to keep living life.

Flight attendant for one.

They live mostly up in the sky. Well they mostly do spend their time up there apart of their day offs. Literally, they fly instead or along with their hopes and dreams.

I, happened to be a flight attendant working for one of the whatever so called one of the best airlines in the world. Partly, i agree but hey... No one really knows or let us say, people has their own standards and opinions.

Working for one year has brought thousands of great senses and thoughts, filling up this tiny piece of tangled long winding slimy cells up in my head. Meeting thousands of other cabin crews in this certain company, working with them not forgetting of when and how and why i serve passengers. From the "high ups" with so-called bad attitude or the "down lows" with i call nice earthy attitude.

Wait...did i miss something there?
Im not trying to point out something or being sarcastic. But, leave alone the people whom the society call the "down lows" but i still think, in my opinion that the "high ups" should know how to behave, as well.

How people can create such image. Some friends told me that the "down lows" behave nicely because they are afraid and feel inferior as well as the opposite. Whereas the "high ups" think they own the fucking world.

A) Am i right or am i right?
B) Am i right or am i wrong?
C) The above options are irrelevant?

Yea! World my ass!!!!


............

Thoughts just ran down from my mind and i couldnt control them. But lets go back to what my first discussion was. How i meet other crews, how i serve the passengers and last, but not least of how i, unwillingly accidentally being a very evaluative ID passenger. Well sometimes, we do catch flight back home with our benefits - got discounted airfares.

Lets go back few phases back.

I write this piece of crap just to point out the feeling after catching flight home and then the phase of getting back on the plane. Let me point out the feeling during getting off the car and acknowledging that you know you are heading to a place where you are going to be alone, apart from beloved and those dreams and hopes you left behind back home. Well, the last point maybe only for some cases, for some crews only. Maybe, only me in the whole company. Wait, i exaggerate too much.

Well.
How to describe?

You get off the car, you say good bye to your family or friends and then you see the car leaving you behind and your heart starting to swell and scream, "Stop!! Take me back with you and dont allow me to fly." , which you knew would never happen. Or at least could not happen for some bloody reasons. The worst feeling is that, you could not do anything about this feeling trying to burst out open. You could only smile and face the gate of terminal 2 CGK.

You drag your luggage, filled with things you try to bring from home, from the important stuff you need up to the things that are nothing but stupid just because you are trying to fill up your room so you feel at home.

Let me correct that.
"So you feel home."

You check in those luggages. You get through the immigration counters and the feeling of "i dont want to go. Can i stay home just mommy?" gets worse and worse.

You know in few hours you will arrive in somewhere, not in your hometown anymore and you know you will be working. You start leading your brain to strengthened up and focusing on the first reason of why you fly. You start listing up reasons just to straightened your tangled heart and minds.

Once you got those lists, you get more relaxed. You feel that you just win the competition. But then, you get stuck in the waiting area just right at the boarding area. Let me tell you. This is where the real hell happen.

Your mind tells you that its not too late that you havent yet board the aircraft. But your heart tells you differently. Your heart has got all the lists of reasons strings attached already. You, yourself contradict yourself. How nice.

This is what you get if you fly too much. Your brain got less oxygen but instead, your heart ( re: lungs ) get too much air.

Nahh...im just messing around.

Well, you keep waiting and waiting up until you know its time and theres no more turning back and time to face up the reality, even if you dont know which is which that is called reality.

You start putting your stuff up in the overhead compartment. You try being a very nice, well behaved ID passengers and not being a pain in the ass who requests or troublesome for the fellow cabin crews.

You start realizing, its not that bad going back to where you are working and then i found myself typing this and get to the end.

Soon enough, i will face the terminal 2 Hong kong and get ready for whatever comes next. Once the aircraft door is closed, all passengers are asked politely to take their seat and watch the safety demo video, my worries are left behind as well and i took my seat, closing my eyes and feel the power turbo jet bringing me fast leaving my hometown behind.

Emotion consists you.

What was God thinking when He created human being? With such small object called brain and deep buried inside object called heart?

Was He thinking about how those objects would expand one day? How these days it is very hard to find someone with such a big heart? To think of it, at least He succeeded of how brains of humans these days have achieved that accomplishment of getting bigger bigger and bigger. Its all about brains.

Sadly, its not about heart.

It is true that the people who have big brains now are more appreciated than having a big heart. They will be bullied and called stupid. Well, those people will certainly think that way, even the people who have big heart could not agree more with this statement. Wait. Its not a statement. Its the fact.

Whatever happen with human being? Where is the hearts nowadays?

Are they covered by the big brains of all the high up people? By the power that cant be obtained by only having big hearts? Or is it because simply the people with big hearts are too traumatized of being bullied that their surviving parts of within have made them hide so well that they become smaller and smaller?

People these days talk about money, position, fame, being known or at least reaching up to the high ups? Even if they pretend to be one?

Its so hard to remember the priceless things in this life. How a hug can create the miracle of a lifetime. A smile is so hard to be put upon one's face that it used to save thousands of life. Sweet talks can soften up any harsh times. Or even a simple glance could create a whole lot different nice ambience in any condition....

Whatever happen to those?

It is not about memories. People call those only memories but emotions are not about memories. The pasts are memories. But emotions are the presents that will be embraced with the upcoming future.

While human beings are still living, those emotions certainly are still within everyone's hearts. Even if the brains are getting bigger and bigger but emotions are there in the hearts.

Its not about memories. Its about hearts.

The big brains people believe that we consist of emotions. Thats why nowadays, the brains control people. They say we control our emotions. But truly, that actually emotions consists us. To think about it...

Wait...

To feel about it,
Emotions consists us because emotions still control us. Which means, no matter how big the brains are, no matter people think how small the heart is,

It still has the biggest impact on human being. The hearts still have the biggest influence.

You don't believe me?

Try to find a memory when you feel welcomed, warmed and embraced when someone smiled at you. Feel the power.

That is why,
Emotion consists you.

Tears from the high above...

There was this boy sitting quietly, trying to listen to the noises made by others. Those people looked so alive and full of determination. He felt like a stranger. He was sitting with his only belonging which was his heart.

By the way, do you know that feeling when you are trying so hard to look for something? You have that urge so heavy that you won't care for other stuff...

He was so quiet to be able to hear even the slightest tiny bit of voice but he could not. Minute by minute passed by and suddenly he could hear a squeal. He was trying so hard to look where it came from.

He looked right. He looked left, behind and across from where i was sitting. He could not find it.

He again closed my eyes to concentrate. But it was very quiet again. Deep silence.

Slowly he controlled my inhalation. So that my own breathe wouldn't disturb my focused mind. But there was no use.

It did not work.


He opened up my eyes, and he heard another squeal. It was louder. And right after that squeal, there was a drop of water on my palm. It was on his right palm. He looked up and there was a loud squeal and another drop of water.

It was not raining for sure. The people around him were talking and some were even laughing. If it was raining they would have moved and found shades to avoid the rain. Well he was just making sure.

He was sure it was not raining.

Another drop dripped on his right palm again. He looked up and he felt the rush of pain inside of him. The light bulb on top of where he was sitting was on. Yes, it was getting darker. The sun has set and went back to where it takes its rest.


Lights were coming on and it was a beautiful sight. It was dimmed in a way that when the day has gone back sleeping, the beauty of might time is alive. He was looking one by one trying to enjoy the view but it got blurry.

His eyes sight was not supporting what he called beauty. Another squeal was heard.

Another drop was on my right palm and then on my left palm.

He was looking but it got blurry. More blurry. And now he could only hear squeals. More and more.

He looked up and the sky was blurry as well.

He thought there must be someone dripping water on purpose at him.

He got distracted.

He tried to ask other people around him but he couldn't find my voice. Literally he could not speak.


He calmed himself. Trying to get a hold of himself. He took a few minutes to get a grip.

He got more panicked.

Now the water dripping could not stop.

He don't know how it happened until now. He could not see clearly. He could not hear a single noise from out there.

He stopped trying to look.

And when he tried to look and he found something that hurts him the most. It was not fear. Was not even a relief.

He found that it was his tears and it was the squeal he tried so hard to hide. He tried so hard to be strong all the way but the truth that the inside of him could not hold it anymore.

The tears from the high above was released so heavily he couldn't hold it anymore.

He could not lie anymore to his only belonging. He could never hidden his feelings to his heart. He thought he could.

In returns, those drops of tears were the price he had to pay.

The tears from the high above were dropped to the lowest of the ground he wasn't sure of standing on.

closing your eyes…

 

does it mean that when I close my eyes, all the troubles will go away? that I will be at eased? people around me say….

 

lets go!!

 

how?

 

I saw the sky, its so blue, brightly shining over all the objects placed on this earth and it seems so utterly great. but why was it so hot that I couldn’t take it anymore? they say that when the sun is shining, it means that the world is evolving. its circling around. moving.

 

I found me, stopping. hiding in the shade so silently. afraid to get burnt. afraid to even take a step out.

 

is it true that they are wearing the sunglasses to hide something that is being said through their eyes? the sight of truth being hidden. the more it is being hidden so hard, the more it is obvious that there is something. teach me to hide it while walking under the sunshine. lend me some.

 

I don’t know what im thinking right now. Im writing this piece out not knowing whats the purpose. but does every little thing in this world has got to have a purpose? I guess so.

 

they say, the will of living certainly comes from the greater power inside each of us, not only about matters of surviving but more to the condition of believing. believing in something, someone greater than us.

 

believing that that there is something we are striving for.

believing that there is someone we are fighting for.

believing that there is a purpose of our existence.

or whatever the reason is.

 

 

purpose?

im closing my eyes now.

im hiding in the shade. too afraid to step out to the sunshine. it is in fact to good to be through, to believe in dreams and big hopes. I prefer staying where I am now. and maybe later, someone, something greater will pull me out and bring me along to the path where im supposed to be. I guess that’s it.

 

my eyes are still closed. tightly.