FIX YOU….

 

“When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse…..”

 

This song has certainly got stuck in my head for a while now. Trying to find courage through songs is the last thing I need now but there’s nothing I could do more now. Prayers I certainly know the power over me and most people but in the present time, I need someone, something to physically tell me that things happen for a reason and tell me what the reason is.

 

I guess that is a very hard request over someone who is a very small individual compared to millions other individuals in this round square world.

 

Why did I even call this world square?

I guess because right now I feel like where ever I go, I got stuck and find a dead end.

 

Why did I even call this world round?

I guess because right now I feel like where ever I go, I cant find a second to rest. It keeps making me go round and round, never ending journey to whom people call it life.

 

“And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?”

 

And when the time comes, as this next verse I wrote just above was sung, I started to think that the only cure that is there and seemed logic and magnificently useful was tears. People come and go. It sounds so simple but really, surely and truly. Its not that simple.

 

And in this point, what I am trying to point out is about how when you lose someone, you lose something. I mean, some thing. Things around you suddenly collapse and you try to hold it up. But think about it. A piece of paper when it is once crumpled, you might go and try to iron it to make it smooth. But, when it is being re-crumpled, it will never go smooth anymore. Try re-ironing it, it wont make any difference. Even the part of ironing it is making the paper drier and hot.

 

Once a paper is crumpled, it will never be the same smoothness anymore.

How’s that??

 

This is the same with the process of holding up. You try to keep up and not giving up. You try and something come up. You try again. But even when you are still trying to get up, there’s another thing already waiting to press and push you down.

 

Realistic people say, “It wears you down.”

But wise people say, “It will make you stronger.”

 

I guess, at this point now,

I have already decided that I am both. I am both of those kind of people who are realistic enough to accept that being people, being human being welcome the weary part of life which later on will certainly strengthened you up to become thicker and stronger.

 

It doesn’t matter when and doesn’t matter how. It is just that.

“No more questions because life is not about questions. Even when there seem to be questions parts along the life plot, there’s no answer. Because there is really no parts where you can find any questions not answered. “

 

Think about this paradox.

 

“Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth”

Do I know how to LOVE ?

 

There was this one moment of how I remember how my father is a loving caring father. I was a kid. A very young small boy.

 

It was in our front garden and I was playing. My father was just sitting there. I didn’t know what he was doing though. I was walking on this up-leveled ground which was only fitted for a feet, practicing and acting like a performer in a circus performance. I was trying so hard to balance myself, putting my foot in front of my other foot so I could walk straight. But I stumbled and fell. I hurt my knee bone and the skin was peeled off badly. I cried and cried like a baby. Well, I was a boy back then. He ran right up to me and lifted me up and hugged me without saying anything. He put me on the terrace and looked at me in the eye saying that I was a strong boy so it would be alright. I believed him and at that moment, I stopped crying. It was like magic.

 

After a while, out of nowhere I told him that my skin was peeled off really bad and it stung. He blew softly to my knee and he kept doing that up to the moment I got up and went to the spot where I fell. I was trying to look if there was any skin of my knee left there. I didn’t know why I did that. I smiled and feel silly thinking of it now. But anyway, I went there and there was this skin still stuck on the surface. I took it. My father asked me what I was doing. I told him and he smiled. He didn’t say that I was silly or anything. But he came towards me and smacked on the surface saying that it was a bad up-leveled ground.

 

I felt a rush of love from my father. That’s it.

 

Now that I am 25 years old and it has been almost four years since he died, I miss him. I miss the moment when I feel weak and tired and I could just act like a child and let it be. Letting these thoughts and memories taking over me is killing me because I don’t know how and don’t know why I could not really remember other beautiful moment where I have great intimate times with my father. I guess growing up as a teenager and knowing the world had taken most of my times and I forgot how I was supposed to give spaces for my father to occupy my life. Well I guess he was busy as well taking care of the business and company he was building. But I know that he was still there if I needed him. Not the other way around though. I was not there for him. I was even not close to help him with anything. If he asked me to do something, I could do it with a grudge and tried with any excuses to pend the process. I was very selfish. Now to think of it, of why I am writing this piece is because he passed away before I could realize this and do something to make him proud. I guess it was not even close.

 

I just watched this movie and in this movie, there was this father who has passed away. He is missed most by his family and one time, he went and came up to the family and greeted them, hugged them and told them it was alright. I shivered and longed for that impossible moment, as exact as in the movie.

 

But I know it is impossible.

 

I longed for my father’s hand to hold mine and told me it is alright to be the oldest son and takes care of the family. I need him to tell me that even if things went bad, he will still be there for me. I need him to reassure me that it is alright to take a rest if I feel worn out and he would take care of the things that is undone.

 

But I know it is impossible.

 

Losing someone you love is hard. It is very hard indeed. It cant be expressed in any way of the language we know. And it is always hard because you always have this regret in any way that was never thought of before and I guess regret always comes last as it is always with the things that are too late to be done.

 

I am tired. I need to feel safe and secure from someone stronger and has inspired me so much that can overcome what I have been doing now and it is only my father. It is only him that has made me to be this thick and strong. But I guess it is too late isn’t it?

 

There are many other moments that I feel loved from my father. But even after thousands of memories shared with him, I just realize that it is hard for me to love now as I was still in the age of knowing and experiencing love from someone special. I guess I still don’t know how to love now. I need to learn more. But who could teach me how? This is me writing so dramatically, thinking of my father who is in heaven now. I guess he hasn’t got the wing yet to pay me a visit at least once.

Flying UP high ? or Flying TOO high?

 

 

when I asked Him to let me fly, it wasn’t intentionally and physically flying. but he did. and here I am now flying, as a crew and at this point of living this new stage of life, I do have some thoughts and concerns.

 

in life, we do experience bad and good phases. and when it comes to good ones, we are just so happy and we get into this glass ball where it all looks beautiful. and I cant lie that I even say that I love my life.

 

but the saddest thing about being a human being is that when it comes to the bad phases, we suddenly change and turn 180 degrees to make ourselves believe that life sucks. and that’s it. we forget all those good phases and don’t even have the will, the slightest will to encourage ourselves that life goes on.

 

that’s basically the big view out of life. but lets make it smaller into my life as being a flight attendant. I have some ups and downs. but lets talk about the downs ones first. I often think to let go and resign. but one thing that keeps me still standing and smiling to passengers is that I don’t hate the job. I love the job. I just hate the life being one. you get the idea? I guess not if you never do your life….I mean you do your life as one, like I do now.

 

ironically, why do I even hate the life? I mean, being a flight attendant, basically you do not have a life. yes, no life. you wake up. getting ready, go to your briefing room, get on the aircraft, and then you serve, smile, secure and hotel room it is. and you do it again to go back to your little room, back where you live and then you keep doing the same thing all over again, without no real changes and vision. I guess that’s not the worst part. the worst part is when you have days off. you have no one having days off because they are flying. and you don’t know what to do after a while and there is basically nothing you could do. because you do not have any social relationship and friendship anymore. you start missing the times when you have been very tired of working full day but you are very excited for the weekend because you have plans. because you know something new is coming into your life, part of your story line along. but shit, I forget to tell you. when you are a flight attendant, you don’t have weekends and once you touch down, you start looking and checking who is on ground, not flying. you start to hang out with that person. and you might start thinking, hey!! that person is good to hang around with and I might actually get close to that person. but wait. I haven’t seen that person already for a week. damn!

 

that’s it. no more.

that’s my life now.

but I guess, writing this down is pointless and I’m blubbering now. I don’t even know what I am complaining about. I guess the part of me, that little part of me still do have the power to encourage me a little bit more. and I am still up high happily enjoying. ( mind you, this is the part where I am encouraging myself )

 

so, basically what I am trying to say is that the life of being a flight attendant sucks. but I am truly grateful. I mean, I might say this piece of complaining anyway if I wasn’t a flight attendant in any ways. maybe working 9-5 with only Sunday off and I might be actually writing the same piece of shit anyway. so, I guess everybody have their own excuses and shitty part of working and that’s just life, I guess.

 

what I am doing now is just do it with excellence and make myself proud by receiving smiles back from passengers and when I arrive in out port, you might actually see some photos and images that’s beautiful. and when I come home, with no one’s to go home to, I get into my room, I pray and let things go their ways. and let it be. o right, I forgot. other than praying, watching videos, I mean Korean TV series help you to see the real life through some romance and conflicts. that’s funny. I just stated that Korean TV shows reflects the real life. ( I mean, is my life that bad now that I don’t know the real life no more other than TV series?? shit. I need help )

well. that’s it for now. last thing to say is that, I love my life and I do love my job except that I hate the life I’m living now. ( I know it doesn’t make the slightest sense when you read it. even when I’m writing it, it doesn’t make any sense )

by the way, i just got back from Rome, so…

 

Cao!

tiresome.

they told me to love my job. but I couldn’t.
they told me that this is one of the plans. but I cant see no way out.
they told me to see the good side of it. but my sight is blocked.
they told me every little thing to gain the purpose. but there seem no clue to be found.
they told me. they told me and they kept telling me.

I need only a place to cry it out loud without no reply. for the reply I need is not there. no where to be found. yet.

I tried hard to share. but no one could really understand.
I tried hard to share. but I didn’t even know what to be shared.
I tried hard to share. but words cant described the way I feel.
I tried hard to share. tried hard. and maybe too hard.

the feeling to be grateful and understanding is actually ready in my heart to be activated. but the key to activate it seemed to be washed away.

and maybe yet, there are too many ‘but’s in my brain right now. no one’s there. no one. and even I cant say a single word of prayer right now. too little too be complained. too big to be kept away.

A TEST from the up ABOVE….

 

It was written that there’s no sea deep enough that cant be swim through..

It was again written that there’s no mountain high enough that cant be hiked…

But then, I look at my surroundings, many of besides me knocked down to their lowest. It is about losing the beloved. One of my friends just lost his father. He came home, finding his house to be dark, with no lights turned on. This was unusual. He came into the house, turned on the lights and found his beloved father lying down on the floor, stiff and blue.

 

I imagined my friend must have turned blue as well. If he could have, he would have chosen to be as pale as his father. But he could only stand there. Paralyzed. Shocked at the scene he was staring on. Tears started running down on his cheek. He was yelling from his heart out to call out his father. But no voice came out. He knew there was something wrong. Well, definitely there was something wrong. I got the message, out here from Hongkong. The sad news. Someone passed away. He was this person found on the floor.

 

Enough about this little sad story I am trying to dramatized on. I guess, it was a drama already. Life is a drama.

 

According to the title of this little piece of shit writing, I guess our life will be always put on the line to be tested by the up above. It is by then of how we react to the test. To push ourselves to understand the test or back off defending every little thing that can be defended, out of our self pity. But I guess, out of the phase of blaming or protesting, we would always accept it in the hard way. But still, we accept it because we need to survive.

 

Losing someone beloved is nothing we could even imagine. It hurts up to the most painful pain. You try to show, express but then nothing comes out. Nothing would be expressed exactly of how we feel. No voice could voice out and tears will eventually run out. Not because you cant cry no more or the tears run out. But I guess because tears would not even express close to how you feel. You wish that the sharpest sword slash you apart so that you can feel something. Anything. But, no. You will gone crazy as this part of you will not allow it. You know that you have to keep going. As part of being a human  being, the willing of surviving.

 

And your mind start to make this story up and built a conversation with the up above. Asking so many questions that you know there would be no answers provided. Leave alone understandable.

 

You know deep inside, from the faith within you that this is only another test. A big one though. You start to set your mind up that you need to pass this. You couldn’t do it alone though. You need Him, as the power of the up above. Some people blame Him. Some people beg for Him. Some people just try to forget. And some people would just surrender.

 

And the only thing He wants us to is I guess the last one. To surrender. Surrendering means giving it all to Him, trusting and believing in Him. At the end of the day, you would realize that the test was not made to make us broken but to realize that the Greater Power is there to provide, to be the best assurance for the fragile little thing called human who has the will to feel, to see, to taste, to speak and to listen. And the hardest part is the last one. To listen.

 

Imagine the whole world would just listen and try to understand the plan He has for us. Yea. Just imagine. It is too good to be true isn’t it?

 

But my friend accept this is the hard way. I guess, I know he still stands there, with a lot of pain because there’s a greater power called hope. Even the slightest hope can lift him up. And the tool that recharges people to keep walking and going in this lame world is hope. Love. And I personally have seen love to be spread among my community back there in Jakarta. I wish I could be there to experience and be on one of them. I envy them.

 

The last thing to say about this is that our reaction in one few seconds will be the turning point and decision to make up the next stages of our life. Whether it is a big or small test, we need to make it up and accept it. At the end of the day, we might as well understand that death, which the world think as the last destination is actually not. Yes. we might be able to understand that death is not eternal. Love is.

 

So, spread the love to offer the hopes we have received from the up above.

Once,

It was written that there’s no sea deep enough that cant be swim through..

It was again written that there’s no mountain high enough that cant be hiked…

And at the end of the day,

 

We might understand the meaning of those two sentences.

For HE is too good to be left out alone….

 

A letter of confirmation to show my faith alone Lord.

 

Looking at my life I am living now is nothing for I have imagined it to be before. You alone have created such wonderful story for me to grow up and realize that You are the person who will do only great things around. when I ask myself, is there any….of anything I could have used to be the excuse so that I could make a drama out of my life or even just out of protesting ….the answer, I already knew…

From the beginning it was a NO.

 

There is no such excuses for me to say that You are not the best God ever. you are the King of all Kings. I am writing this right after I woke up after a ten hours long flight to Jakarta, midnight turn around. I was supposed to be home now, but I didn’t get the ticket. but yes, right after I opened up my eyes, I cried. I cried for all the sins and ungrateful things I have done compared to what He has done throughout my life.

 

I cried as I knew that He would have forgiven me if only I asked. He is able. He is an able God. I feel really hopeless and don’t know what is happening to my life. I have no dream, no vision and mission. and I just cant be like this. But then again, I remember that this life is no longer mine. I only have to play the part according to His script and listen to Him to direct me all the way through.

 

The thing I realized once I opened up my eyes was that..

 

“Am I listening to the Director now? do I even ask what the Director wants me to do?”

Korean flight...

 

My flight duty to incheon, korea was alright....

When I say alright, it means just ok. It wasn't as good as I expected it to be. My service to the passenger was a mess. I forgot to give bread to the first three rows of the passengers. My manager came to me and asked me. She helped me to distribute it.

When I went to the galley, I apologize to her and said, " I am sorry as I am such a lousy person. " And she replied worse. Simply she said..." You are not lousy. You are just not an efficient crew. " Thank you very much. That made my day. Don't mention about the tray collection. I didn't collect some of them and again, for the thousand time, my galley purser told me I forgot to collect some. Another thank you very much.

Jicha kamsahamnida.....

 

But it was ok, that's what my colleague told me. It was good for first flight already. It lifted me up. We arrived at the hotel around five in the morning. And here I am, sitting just beside the river, right next to the Hello Kitty three bowls. Its a great view. It's like a three towers. Its freezing cold but I managed to keep typing this on my lovely blackberry or else, its a shitty phone. That's what Jumi told me.

Getting off the subway, and saw Jumi coming down from the escalator, holding her daughter just amazed my mind.

Yes. I spent the whole day with Jumi and Yerin. Chon Yerin. Her daughter. She was lovely. Cute. She didn't want to get near me at first. But at the end, at Jumi's house, I played with her all along and when I was almost got on the subway to go back, she wanted me to hug her and hold her for a while. I guess, I will miss her. And Jumi certainly... Jincha bogosippoyo....

We went to a restaurant and Jumi paid for it.

Its like courtesy and kind of the etiquette. And after that, we went to her house, I was tired but seriously, after 7 years not meeting, we kept saying that this was unbelievable. And I am sitting here, is unbelievable. Right here. Now...you wouldn't believe. I don't believe it now....

The water flows as the wind blows and the reflection of the lights from the birdge is awesome...it reminds me so much of korean movies....hahahha...

Well...

Life changes and like what Jumi said, people don't really change. I am still the same person. But I guess, better. We came to that conclusion. And wait. Don't forget about our age. We are older. Jumi called me, a man. A MAN...hahaha

I only wished that my mom and iin and ika were here. And all of my firends are here....sadly but true. I'm spending the time, a lovely lonely time alone. Accompanied by the classical music from the Hello Kitty tower.

The lights from the bridge underground is perfect. The rocks in front me are awesome and yes....with cigarettes here.....blowing it. Sucking it. It made my day.

There's an old man just passed by, across the river and I can hear him whistling. Hahaha. Nice on ajussi!!!

Ohhh......its seven pm already and I'm not ready to go back to the hotel. No, I'm not. Absolutely not. This is too good to be left out alone. The wind has stopped. Giving me a few minutes break of getting frozen...and not forgetting, now I've turned on the korean songs. Its magnificent. I love this. Spending time alone. Sometimes you do need it. It reminds me of when I went to ubud. Same peace of mind. And surely, the river reminds me of Yarra river in Melbourne. I'm going there soon. After Jakarta. Hehhee.

I thank God only for this opportunity. Not many can see the world like I do. Ohh!!! I feel like I own the world.

I won the world.

I own the world.

I now the world.

Hahaha...

Well. In the next twelve hours I will be on the lobby and getting ready for the next flight back to Hongkong. I have to make it right this time and I need His power to make me become one. He will certainly make me.

I'm shaking now. I guess I'm going to walk soon. And get warmed in the hotel. Another half an hour walking back. This is my personal forecast for my first flight and soon, there will be others following. And I do hope, on each every flight, I will have my own personal forecast.

Bye for now. I am simply blessed.