Flying UP high ? or Flying TOO high?

 

 

when I asked Him to let me fly, it wasn’t intentionally and physically flying. but he did. and here I am now flying, as a crew and at this point of living this new stage of life, I do have some thoughts and concerns.

 

in life, we do experience bad and good phases. and when it comes to good ones, we are just so happy and we get into this glass ball where it all looks beautiful. and I cant lie that I even say that I love my life.

 

but the saddest thing about being a human being is that when it comes to the bad phases, we suddenly change and turn 180 degrees to make ourselves believe that life sucks. and that’s it. we forget all those good phases and don’t even have the will, the slightest will to encourage ourselves that life goes on.

 

that’s basically the big view out of life. but lets make it smaller into my life as being a flight attendant. I have some ups and downs. but lets talk about the downs ones first. I often think to let go and resign. but one thing that keeps me still standing and smiling to passengers is that I don’t hate the job. I love the job. I just hate the life being one. you get the idea? I guess not if you never do your life….I mean you do your life as one, like I do now.

 

ironically, why do I even hate the life? I mean, being a flight attendant, basically you do not have a life. yes, no life. you wake up. getting ready, go to your briefing room, get on the aircraft, and then you serve, smile, secure and hotel room it is. and you do it again to go back to your little room, back where you live and then you keep doing the same thing all over again, without no real changes and vision. I guess that’s not the worst part. the worst part is when you have days off. you have no one having days off because they are flying. and you don’t know what to do after a while and there is basically nothing you could do. because you do not have any social relationship and friendship anymore. you start missing the times when you have been very tired of working full day but you are very excited for the weekend because you have plans. because you know something new is coming into your life, part of your story line along. but shit, I forget to tell you. when you are a flight attendant, you don’t have weekends and once you touch down, you start looking and checking who is on ground, not flying. you start to hang out with that person. and you might start thinking, hey!! that person is good to hang around with and I might actually get close to that person. but wait. I haven’t seen that person already for a week. damn!

 

that’s it. no more.

that’s my life now.

but I guess, writing this down is pointless and I’m blubbering now. I don’t even know what I am complaining about. I guess the part of me, that little part of me still do have the power to encourage me a little bit more. and I am still up high happily enjoying. ( mind you, this is the part where I am encouraging myself )

 

so, basically what I am trying to say is that the life of being a flight attendant sucks. but I am truly grateful. I mean, I might say this piece of complaining anyway if I wasn’t a flight attendant in any ways. maybe working 9-5 with only Sunday off and I might be actually writing the same piece of shit anyway. so, I guess everybody have their own excuses and shitty part of working and that’s just life, I guess.

 

what I am doing now is just do it with excellence and make myself proud by receiving smiles back from passengers and when I arrive in out port, you might actually see some photos and images that’s beautiful. and when I come home, with no one’s to go home to, I get into my room, I pray and let things go their ways. and let it be. o right, I forgot. other than praying, watching videos, I mean Korean TV series help you to see the real life through some romance and conflicts. that’s funny. I just stated that Korean TV shows reflects the real life. ( I mean, is my life that bad now that I don’t know the real life no more other than TV series?? shit. I need help )

well. that’s it for now. last thing to say is that, I love my life and I do love my job except that I hate the life I’m living now. ( I know it doesn’t make the slightest sense when you read it. even when I’m writing it, it doesn’t make any sense )

by the way, i just got back from Rome, so…

 

Cao!

tiresome.

they told me to love my job. but I couldn’t.
they told me that this is one of the plans. but I cant see no way out.
they told me to see the good side of it. but my sight is blocked.
they told me every little thing to gain the purpose. but there seem no clue to be found.
they told me. they told me and they kept telling me.

I need only a place to cry it out loud without no reply. for the reply I need is not there. no where to be found. yet.

I tried hard to share. but no one could really understand.
I tried hard to share. but I didn’t even know what to be shared.
I tried hard to share. but words cant described the way I feel.
I tried hard to share. tried hard. and maybe too hard.

the feeling to be grateful and understanding is actually ready in my heart to be activated. but the key to activate it seemed to be washed away.

and maybe yet, there are too many ‘but’s in my brain right now. no one’s there. no one. and even I cant say a single word of prayer right now. too little too be complained. too big to be kept away.

A TEST from the up ABOVE….

 

It was written that there’s no sea deep enough that cant be swim through..

It was again written that there’s no mountain high enough that cant be hiked…

But then, I look at my surroundings, many of besides me knocked down to their lowest. It is about losing the beloved. One of my friends just lost his father. He came home, finding his house to be dark, with no lights turned on. This was unusual. He came into the house, turned on the lights and found his beloved father lying down on the floor, stiff and blue.

 

I imagined my friend must have turned blue as well. If he could have, he would have chosen to be as pale as his father. But he could only stand there. Paralyzed. Shocked at the scene he was staring on. Tears started running down on his cheek. He was yelling from his heart out to call out his father. But no voice came out. He knew there was something wrong. Well, definitely there was something wrong. I got the message, out here from Hongkong. The sad news. Someone passed away. He was this person found on the floor.

 

Enough about this little sad story I am trying to dramatized on. I guess, it was a drama already. Life is a drama.

 

According to the title of this little piece of shit writing, I guess our life will be always put on the line to be tested by the up above. It is by then of how we react to the test. To push ourselves to understand the test or back off defending every little thing that can be defended, out of our self pity. But I guess, out of the phase of blaming or protesting, we would always accept it in the hard way. But still, we accept it because we need to survive.

 

Losing someone beloved is nothing we could even imagine. It hurts up to the most painful pain. You try to show, express but then nothing comes out. Nothing would be expressed exactly of how we feel. No voice could voice out and tears will eventually run out. Not because you cant cry no more or the tears run out. But I guess because tears would not even express close to how you feel. You wish that the sharpest sword slash you apart so that you can feel something. Anything. But, no. You will gone crazy as this part of you will not allow it. You know that you have to keep going. As part of being a human  being, the willing of surviving.

 

And your mind start to make this story up and built a conversation with the up above. Asking so many questions that you know there would be no answers provided. Leave alone understandable.

 

You know deep inside, from the faith within you that this is only another test. A big one though. You start to set your mind up that you need to pass this. You couldn’t do it alone though. You need Him, as the power of the up above. Some people blame Him. Some people beg for Him. Some people just try to forget. And some people would just surrender.

 

And the only thing He wants us to is I guess the last one. To surrender. Surrendering means giving it all to Him, trusting and believing in Him. At the end of the day, you would realize that the test was not made to make us broken but to realize that the Greater Power is there to provide, to be the best assurance for the fragile little thing called human who has the will to feel, to see, to taste, to speak and to listen. And the hardest part is the last one. To listen.

 

Imagine the whole world would just listen and try to understand the plan He has for us. Yea. Just imagine. It is too good to be true isn’t it?

 

But my friend accept this is the hard way. I guess, I know he still stands there, with a lot of pain because there’s a greater power called hope. Even the slightest hope can lift him up. And the tool that recharges people to keep walking and going in this lame world is hope. Love. And I personally have seen love to be spread among my community back there in Jakarta. I wish I could be there to experience and be on one of them. I envy them.

 

The last thing to say about this is that our reaction in one few seconds will be the turning point and decision to make up the next stages of our life. Whether it is a big or small test, we need to make it up and accept it. At the end of the day, we might as well understand that death, which the world think as the last destination is actually not. Yes. we might be able to understand that death is not eternal. Love is.

 

So, spread the love to offer the hopes we have received from the up above.

Once,

It was written that there’s no sea deep enough that cant be swim through..

It was again written that there’s no mountain high enough that cant be hiked…

And at the end of the day,

 

We might understand the meaning of those two sentences.

For HE is too good to be left out alone….

 

A letter of confirmation to show my faith alone Lord.

 

Looking at my life I am living now is nothing for I have imagined it to be before. You alone have created such wonderful story for me to grow up and realize that You are the person who will do only great things around. when I ask myself, is there any….of anything I could have used to be the excuse so that I could make a drama out of my life or even just out of protesting ….the answer, I already knew…

From the beginning it was a NO.

 

There is no such excuses for me to say that You are not the best God ever. you are the King of all Kings. I am writing this right after I woke up after a ten hours long flight to Jakarta, midnight turn around. I was supposed to be home now, but I didn’t get the ticket. but yes, right after I opened up my eyes, I cried. I cried for all the sins and ungrateful things I have done compared to what He has done throughout my life.

 

I cried as I knew that He would have forgiven me if only I asked. He is able. He is an able God. I feel really hopeless and don’t know what is happening to my life. I have no dream, no vision and mission. and I just cant be like this. But then again, I remember that this life is no longer mine. I only have to play the part according to His script and listen to Him to direct me all the way through.

 

The thing I realized once I opened up my eyes was that..

 

“Am I listening to the Director now? do I even ask what the Director wants me to do?”

Korean flight...

 

My flight duty to incheon, korea was alright....

When I say alright, it means just ok. It wasn't as good as I expected it to be. My service to the passenger was a mess. I forgot to give bread to the first three rows of the passengers. My manager came to me and asked me. She helped me to distribute it.

When I went to the galley, I apologize to her and said, " I am sorry as I am such a lousy person. " And she replied worse. Simply she said..." You are not lousy. You are just not an efficient crew. " Thank you very much. That made my day. Don't mention about the tray collection. I didn't collect some of them and again, for the thousand time, my galley purser told me I forgot to collect some. Another thank you very much.

Jicha kamsahamnida.....

 

But it was ok, that's what my colleague told me. It was good for first flight already. It lifted me up. We arrived at the hotel around five in the morning. And here I am, sitting just beside the river, right next to the Hello Kitty three bowls. Its a great view. It's like a three towers. Its freezing cold but I managed to keep typing this on my lovely blackberry or else, its a shitty phone. That's what Jumi told me.

Getting off the subway, and saw Jumi coming down from the escalator, holding her daughter just amazed my mind.

Yes. I spent the whole day with Jumi and Yerin. Chon Yerin. Her daughter. She was lovely. Cute. She didn't want to get near me at first. But at the end, at Jumi's house, I played with her all along and when I was almost got on the subway to go back, she wanted me to hug her and hold her for a while. I guess, I will miss her. And Jumi certainly... Jincha bogosippoyo....

We went to a restaurant and Jumi paid for it.

Its like courtesy and kind of the etiquette. And after that, we went to her house, I was tired but seriously, after 7 years not meeting, we kept saying that this was unbelievable. And I am sitting here, is unbelievable. Right here. Now...you wouldn't believe. I don't believe it now....

The water flows as the wind blows and the reflection of the lights from the birdge is awesome...it reminds me so much of korean movies....hahahha...

Well...

Life changes and like what Jumi said, people don't really change. I am still the same person. But I guess, better. We came to that conclusion. And wait. Don't forget about our age. We are older. Jumi called me, a man. A MAN...hahaha

I only wished that my mom and iin and ika were here. And all of my firends are here....sadly but true. I'm spending the time, a lovely lonely time alone. Accompanied by the classical music from the Hello Kitty tower.

The lights from the bridge underground is perfect. The rocks in front me are awesome and yes....with cigarettes here.....blowing it. Sucking it. It made my day.

There's an old man just passed by, across the river and I can hear him whistling. Hahaha. Nice on ajussi!!!

Ohhh......its seven pm already and I'm not ready to go back to the hotel. No, I'm not. Absolutely not. This is too good to be left out alone. The wind has stopped. Giving me a few minutes break of getting frozen...and not forgetting, now I've turned on the korean songs. Its magnificent. I love this. Spending time alone. Sometimes you do need it. It reminds me of when I went to ubud. Same peace of mind. And surely, the river reminds me of Yarra river in Melbourne. I'm going there soon. After Jakarta. Hehhee.

I thank God only for this opportunity. Not many can see the world like I do. Ohh!!! I feel like I own the world.

I won the world.

I own the world.

I now the world.

Hahaha...

Well. In the next twelve hours I will be on the lobby and getting ready for the next flight back to Hongkong. I have to make it right this time and I need His power to make me become one. He will certainly make me.

I'm shaking now. I guess I'm going to walk soon. And get warmed in the hotel. Another half an hour walking back. This is my personal forecast for my first flight and soon, there will be others following. And I do hope, on each every flight, I will have my own personal forecast.

Bye for now. I am simply blessed.

a robot.

11th of October 2011

Sitting right inside the bus, getting me home to my sleeping apartment, at the back of the bus, left hand side, leaning sideways on the window, I found my heart beat slowly.

It is my sleeping apartment because its not alive. Maybe not yet.

While looking at the air outside in this very heart of Hongkong. Its misty. Its cloudy. Light rains. It was hot in the morning. Humid in the afternoon. And now its freezing. Wasn't prepared for any cold weather. I wore only a tshirt.

But talking about the weather, it represented my heart very well indeed. Some people were very surprised and happy knowing I have moved. They started saying that I was living my dream. A dream come true. Yes. They are true. I am now dreaming.

Just when am I going to wake up? That's it. End of discussion.

No one can force me to.
No one.
Not even a single thought.

Its getting darker. Mistier. My eyes were looking at some ships while listening to this one song, a soundtrack of one good movie. Its called my little house.

I guess, I was on the right play list. I knew that my house is little. My mother's, brother's and sister's hearts are my little house.

But then, I stopped right there. Right at that thought. I realized my sleeping apartment was getting nearer. Like some kind of signal radar sent from, I felt this great magnetic pulls. I stopped there. I couldn't bear it. Knowing it would be very long later to get me to my little house.

A traffic light made the bus stop. Some of the lyrics struck me hard. Going through my chest.

" I love this place but its haunted without you. My tired heart is beating so slow.......

......To help us grow. To help us grow. It is not sad. I always know."

My heart is thankful. I love this job. This new life. But leaving my past life behind needs this huge extreme courage. Not that I am not ready. I always know I am going to get through.

" Please don't make a fuss. It won't go away......I am here to stay. "

I am not making a fuss. I need time to adjust but I guess a hole is starting to grow bigger and I am afraid. Yes I am afraid of getting this differences. I am looking a growing hole. Getting bigger and bigger....

My heart sinks.
My heart drifts away so smoothly, it leaves me behind. And without that, I am a robot.

Yes. I am a robot with digital eyes. Unstoppable mind. And frozen heart.

I looked at outside again. I saw these two grand huge bridge. Its near that sleeping apartment. Now I am going to put on my smile again. Some people call it fake. But no. They are wrong. Ironically, it has become a part of me now. As I have no other action to do. Not even a drop. Those tears have evaporated long ago.

I hear but I don't listen.
I look but I don't see.
I move but I am paralyzed.
I think but I am brain frozen.

Yes. I am a robot with digital eyes. Unstoppable mind. And frozen heart.

Straight from the heart

I took my bus. I listened to christian songs to get the feeling of the heaven. Reaching to something higher up there. Minute by minute went by and I pressed the red stop button. The brake was hard. I went down from the double decker bus. Straight I went to the church, passing all the servants from Indonesia, sitting right just on the pavements. Covering half of the pavements with their base. They call it tikar in Indonesia, I went to this complex of school, hospital and church.

The mass haven't started but soon to be.

I knelt and the time passed by. There's something special about the mass today. I noticed how heavenly the choir was and the soloist. They were all the servants from Indonesia. More than half of the mass was them. It was ok. No! It’s not ok. But it was awesome. Experiencing a very nice humbly environment there and actually, I was quite touched and amazed of how those servants feel that they are useful. I know how it feels. And I am so very proud of them.

Anyway, I know this was wrong, of how I kept thinking, observing them while the mass was on. But hundreds of them had their own style. I saw one with a very simple sophisticated look. While this other one wore this extreme high heels with fur on top of it and a dress with a long tail. Wow!

It wasn't their fault. The only day off they have is sunday. And that's the time they can show off. I've worked my ass off so now I'm going to enjoy.

ITS MY TIME.

Whatever you think and see, the most important thing is how I feel.

That's the first lesson I got.

The mass went on and I still was amazed of how the choir was great. I can hear some of false here and there but you listen with your heart. Not ears. And that's what's mattered most. I love the mass today. The scriptures were all blessing!!

Many are called to follow Him but few are chosen. That was the highlight of today. When you were invited by Him, are you going to put on your best outfit, proper and well mannered?

I didn't answer. I was stoned with the things I've done lately. There's no way I'm going to be chosen. But then I prayed. I prayed for this obey in mmy heart and mind.

My tears dropped the second I felt for God. Of how I have abandoned His love and blessings. But today was it. I realized everything.

Whereever I am. Whenever I am alive. He is inside me and I am inside Him.

That's the second lesson I learned. And the proof wasn't needed. I know how God has worked in me and He was praised to what I have done in my new community. They were amazed of how I can do what they couldn't really do in fact of controlling their dislike toward somebody. It amazed me actually. But that was one of the examples of what God has worked inside me. And He was the power. Not me...

I knelt and I started praying right after I received the Holy Bread of Life. Praise the Lord. High above. Jesus Lord, is the King of all Kings. Placed upon the highest sky. And miracle happened. I knew that moment I could do whatever I want, for goodness sake. Whatever sacrifice it would take. But once I am on it, it won't be called sacrifice anyway..

Oh how I love Him dearly today....

He work amazingly in His own way and no God is like Him. None.

Today I went home with this high new spirit and that was a great mass. It was a Holy Mass....I am proud being a catholic!!!