out of the womb.

I can't even hear my own voice now.
It hurts me when I try to listen carefully, force myself to even get a simple tone. But I can't. My head keeps talking alone.

I mean. Only my head.
Its talking and not stopping soon.

I'm writing this stopping from my ride, riding back home, after teaching my last english class. Well. It was one of the last classes I teach. I have some other classes to finish up. This week is officially my last week being a teacher...

I glanced at the sky, and o yes! How I love to see the jakarta's night sky. It always look gloomy yet in a weird way, soothing me.

Hey, Mr. gloomy soothing jakarta's night...be nice to me....for I'm going to leave u soon.

I said to myself, in like few days I'm gonna have difficulty to even ride this motorbike. Ride anywhere I like. Or even stop anywhere to look at the jakarta's activities.

Believe it or not....
Right now..when I'm writing this...I'm looking at two guys, smoking, one holding a guitar. And they were listening to this weird song I didn't know. This guy was trying to play through the guitar. It was CRAP! But yet...lovable..

Is this the melancholic me talking? Because in a few days, I'm gonna move out from my womb....out to Hongkong. The country I only visited once for christmas holiday, but now I'm going to live there...for at least three years time... And moving a lot I guess. As I fly around..

I am truly grateful to God as I got this lovely job. But now. Let me be gloomy for I need to get this feeling out.

Every night, I would feel like this. Feeling alienated from the life I've been living for and building up for.. Leaving all my comfort and my life here for something new. I guess, this is what you feel when you are going out from the womb...leaving the comfort zone.

I lived abroad in australia for three years before. So its not a new thing for me. But I don't know....

I really don't know now.

I'm afraid of leaving my only mother. My community. My brother. My mates. Shit. I'm even shaking now. I guess, since I was back from OZ, those people and the life being teacher have built this surya, writing now...

I guess, I'm afraid of what kind of surya might turn out when I'm going out from this comfort zone...leaving all those beloved.

Sometimes it hurts me to even motivate myself to be brave. Pushing everything to its limit. But letting go isn't in my dictionary. I knew how letting go hurt like shit. Worse than that hanging over feeling....

Hate to turn this feeling up. Don't know what my brain looks like. How my heart is shaping now. But I wish and pray for a better life.. I guess...instead of being afraid of something new, I need to really trust myself to do great, to do the right thing as babies, coming out and they grow. Grow. And grow.

Yes. I guess, it will be an absolute.

Great! The sky is seriously gloomy!!! My heart is affected now. Hahaha!! I'm coming out from the womb. Soon.

I guess. I have to have the faith that I'm going to be able to breathe in. Inhaling the first air, filling up my lung. Eventhough,

I will certainly cry by then.
Yes.

I will cry that day. 20th.
Not now.
I'm not out yet.
Soon.